hi james,
was just outside, lite a candle, and the stars are just bright as wonderful, venus is going to transit the sun during the day november 8, here is the info, we cant look at it directly.....im still up, cant sleep, been eating yogurt, am so tired of it, just tried to eat a chicken egg roll in tiny bits, it hurt like hell, dr pratt really had a field day, the stuff he shoots into my gums, like he shot me about five times, always wears off before he is finished, a year ago, just as he got done , i was literally screaming, he was apologetic, same thing this time, he works on more then one client at at time, so he shots me up, goes to the next client, then when im numb, he starts pulling, scraping, and stitching, it all started at 8am thursday morning, i was home by 11:30, took forever....
so i go back on november 9 i think for the "fitting" of the bottom dentures, he was kind enuff to give me stronger vicoden this time around, but he only gives clients four days worth of medications, thats just barely enuff, luckily i had planned it really well this time, so i had my meds from dr jackson, with a few soma and a few xanax left, so last night and tonight ive been in major pain, inspite of the medications....
and of course, what else comes my way, but kidney stone after kidney stone, i was being a baby around 3am and asked james to take me to the emergency room in one hour if the urocet k did not dissolve the stones, i had drank coffee and cut up some fudge into small peices so i could eat something solid, and of course, those are two of the things that trigger the stones....go figure.....
\n \nim up working on the next drawing and going thru what i want to put on it, and i have one in the works, of a Grecian sun with flower above it, i dont know what else will go into it, im doing it for me, i refuse to do art work for anyone else anymore, i so regret giving dana, rod, carol, sister, uncle, and aunt in that order, my last three works that took me a year to do, they were for ME, and that christmas i was working on reconciling with them, so i sent them my best works, i didnt mind sending nancy one, mother, she can have my heart if she wants.....\n\n \nbut dana, carol, and rod never even sent x mas cards the next two x mas es, no birthday cards, not that i gave them my work to get anything, but it would have been nice to be at least accepted back into this fuced up organic family of mine........so dana, carol, and rod are now of no consequence, they do not exist....\n\n \nrod and carol have so much money, it makes me sick, when i was in their graces at stetson, they used to send me 20 to 100 dollar bills in x mas cards and birthday cards, but as i grew up, my value\n\nbecome less...\n \nas of i care, i quess i do a little, rod has one son, he is retarded, he was born to rods first wife, he was born with feces in all his orifices, mouth, eyes, you name it, and he is very retarded now, does not work , rod supports him, lets him live in hotels, and get this, rod, my upstanding stuck up uncle who turned atheist to christian, actually BUYS his son, MARY JANE, that just floored me, and they have the gall to judge me......what a bunch of christian hypocrites....\n",1]
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im up working on the next drawing and going thru what i want to put on it, and i have one in the works, of a Grecian sun with flower above it, i dont know what else will go into it, im doing it for me, i refuse to do art work for anyone else anymore, i so regret giving dana, rod, carol, sister, uncle, and aunt in that order, my last three works that took me a year to do, they were for ME, and that christmas i was working on reconciling with them, so i sent them my best works, i didnt mind sending nancy one, mother, she can have my heart if she wants.....
but dana, carol, and rod never even sent x mas cards the next two x mas es, no birthday cards, not that i gave them my work to get anything, but it would have been nice to be at least accepted back into this fuced up organic family of mine........so dana, carol, and rod are now of no consequence, they do not exist....
rod and carol have so much money, it makes me sick, when i was in their graces at stetson, they used to send me 20 to 100 dollar bills in x mas cards and birthday cards, but as i grew up, my value
become less...
as of i care, i quess i do a little, rod has one son, he is retarded, he was born to rods first wife, he was born with feces in all his orifices, mouth, eyes, you name it, and he is very retarded now, does not work , rod supports him, lets him live in hotels, and get this, rod, my upstanding stuck up uncle who turned atheist to christian, actually BUYS his son, MARY JANE, that just floored me, and they have the gall to judge me......what a bunch of christian hypocrites....
\n \nwell enuff negative crap\n \nmother wrote me, she works at the first baptist church we all grew up in, finally bobby welch resigned after 32 years, he was the one that told me i was going to hell, in 1976, when my best christian friend johnny walker, went back to the church that summer (of love), and told EVERYONE, the rumor that the great christian called into the ministry DAVID ALAN, was a fucin QUEER......\n\n \nso bobby welch had a field day with that, i was the first gay outed at first baptist in daytona beach, bobby is a marine who served his god and nation in Vietnam, and came back, in his own mind, stronger and fuller of god.....\n\n \nso over the 32 years , bobby welch become the president of the southern baptist convention, built a huge church where once stood a small church that could house 500, now houses 5000, and of course along with that comes the 10% tithe southern baptist christians Have to give, according to their literally fundamental evangelical interpretation of scripture, specifically the king james version, so bobby welch got quite rich, worte several books, as for some reason ive followed his career over the years, as he has a web site, and i always wondered how mom dealt with it all......\n\n \ni didnt even get a chance to tell her i was gay, she found out at church, from all her friends, there were about five families at the time, 1976/1977 of mothers with GAY CHILDREN, and all of them were in mom\' SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS....\n",1]
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well enuff negative crap
mother wrote me, she works at the first baptist church we all grew up in, finally bobby welch resigned after 32 years, he was the one that told me i was going to hell, in 1976, when my best christian friend johnny walker, went back to the church that summer (of love), and told EVERYONE, the rumor that the great christian called into the ministry DAVID ALAN, was a fucin QUEER......
so bobby welch had a field day with that, i was the first gay outed at first baptist in daytona beach, bobby is a marine who served his god and nation in Vietnam, and came back, in his own mind, stronger and fuller of god.....
so over the 32 years , bobby welch become the president of the southern baptist convention, built a huge church where once stood a small church that could house 500, now houses 5000, and of course along with that comes the 10% tithe southern baptist christians Have to give, according to their literally fundamental evangelical interpretation of scripture, specifically the king james version, so bobby welch got quite rich, worte several books, as for some reason ive followed his career over the years, as he has a web site, and i always wondered how mom dealt with it all......
i didnt even get a chance to tell her i was gay, she found out at church, from all her friends, there were about five families at the time, 1976/1977 of mothers with GAY CHILDREN, and all of them were in mom' SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS....
\n \nand of course, i had been the golden boy, sang in the church choir, sang in a ten person ensemble, five guys, five girls, ran a bus ministry...has my own bus that i took out every sunday to pick up 30 to 40 children to bring them to church, fed them donuts from krispy creme, every saturday went out on my 10 SPEED BIKE and rode all over my route, capturing kids in my christian net, those playing in the streets, and off to their homes, to convince their parents to let me take their kids to church.....and of course the parents would have a day off , sunday, from those noisy little brats....\n\n \ni ran a childrens church, made puppets to get the lords message across, told stories from the bible, even tried to walk on water on day for 25 kids in my children\'s church, of all the things, i put a large\n\npan of water on the floor and tried to walk on the water, to teach the kids that we are all sinners, (now you can vomit any time now....), but we all had to be forgiven, for we were all BORN INTO SIN, and only via jesus could we be saved, and hence, end up in heaven by his side........\n\n \nand of course all along i was a boy scout, an eagle boy scout, and on and on, went to my own sunday school classes of kids and teenagers my age, taught that also, talked of love, and read the bible and from my radical self, played jesus christ superstar for my sunday school class, and read Khalil Gibran (\nhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kahlil_Gibran), of course, got into trouble for playing jesus christ superstar, and on my better days, brought in one wednesday night prayer group and played "HAIR", for to me it was indeed the age of Aquarius, and i was going to bring it in all my myself.....\n",1]
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and of course, i had been the golden boy, sang in the church choir, sang in a ten person ensemble, five guys, five girls, ran a bus ministry...has my own bus that i took out every sunday to pick up 30 to 40 children to bring them to church, fed them donuts from krispy creme, every saturday went out on my 10 SPEED BIKE and rode all over my route, capturing kids in my christian net, those playing in the streets, and off to their homes, to convince their parents to let me take their kids to church.....and of course the parents would have a day off , sunday, from those noisy little brats....
i ran a childrens church, made puppets to get the lords message across, told stories from the bible, even tried to walk on water on day for 25 kids in my children's church, of all the things, i put a large
pan of water on the floor and tried to walk on the water, to teach the kids that we are all sinners, (now you can vomit any time now....), but we all had to be forgiven, for we were all BORN INTO SIN, and only via jesus could we be saved, and hence, end up in heaven by his side........
and of course all along i was a boy scout, an eagle boy scout, and on and on, went to my own sunday school classes of kids and teenagers my age, taught that also, talked of love, and read the bible and from my radical self, played jesus christ superstar for my sunday school class, and read Khalil Gibran ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kahlil_Gibran), of course, got into trouble for playing jesus christ superstar, and on my better days, brought in one wednesday night prayer group and played "HAIR", for to me it was indeed the age of Aquarius, and i was going to bring it in all my myself.....
\n \nso summer of 1973 the lord called me into summer missionary work with the southern baptist convention to work in paducah, Kentucky, for ten summers, one week per church per family, so i taught vacation bible school to a new church each week, then moved onto another church, and each week i lived with a family from the church i was working with, and each week moved on to another church and another family.....\n\n \ni was paired up with a female, i remember so much of it even today, karen from metarie, Louisiana, was my partner, she made jumbalia, we got really close, that summer i was on my trip of taking photos of everything, that eventually developed into that multi media show you all saw at stetson, the one the art department gave me a reward in creativity in multi media for.....\n\n \nthen the summer of 1974, the lord called me again, the lord liked to call me a lot, they did a great job of brain washing my innocent soul, so off if was to new york, specifically east brunswick new jersey, the summer nixon quit for being caught, i might have the years wrong, it might have benn 1974 and then 1975,\n\n \nnever the less, once again a new church and a new family each week, the female partners got to stay with the rich church members, and me, the male, got to stay with the poor families, sleeping upstairs with one family and a baby who cried all night\n\n \ncan you imagine taking a shower in a different bathroom every week, with different rules per family, sleeping in a different bed, eating with a different family, and having to enjoy their food......\n",1]
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so summer of 1973 the lord called me into summer missionary work with the southern baptist convention to work in paducah, Kentucky, for ten summers, one week per church per family, so i taught vacation bible school to a new church each week, then moved onto another church, and each week i lived with a family from the church i was working with, and each week moved on to another church and another family.....
i was paired up with a female, i remember so much of it even today, karen from metarie, Louisiana, was my partner, she made jumbalia, we got really close, that summer i was on my trip of taking photos of everything, that eventually developed into that multi media show you all saw at stetson, the one the art department gave me a reward in creativity in multi media for.....
then the summer of 1974, the lord called me again, the lord liked to call me a lot, they did a great job of brain washing my innocent soul, so off if was to new york, specifically east brunswick new jersey, the summer nixon quit for being caught, i might have the years wrong, it might have benn 1974 and then 1975,
never the less, once again a new church and a new family each week, the female partners got to stay with the rich church members, and me, the male, got to stay with the poor families, sleeping upstairs with one family and a baby who cried all night
can you imagine taking a shower in a different bathroom every week, with different rules per family, sleeping in a different bed, eating with a different family, and having to enjoy their food......
\n \nthe stories i could tell........shirley cadenhead was my partner that summer , we were flown to up state new york for a weekend of ...what would you call i t, where they gave us the books and manuals we would need to teach only their versions to teach vacation bible school, \n\n \none week was in the projects in new york, so there i was, all alone, perhaps 17 or 18 years old, walking alone in an all black project scouting out for kids i could teach the message of christ to, it was interesting, for some guardian angels were with me the whole way, it was always the black families that were the kind est, and had the best food......\n\n \npaducah smelled of paper mills, it was full of farms and farm houses, it was just beautiful, i got into finding grave yards and taking photographs of them, but the smell of the paper mills was always present, and that was awful....\n\n \none family i lived with in paducah, kentucky, had a store where all they made and sold were strawberry pies, to die for, to this day i would love to go back, i lived on strawberry pies for a week\n\n \nthe primary minister, for we had one per summer, but then we also had ten per church per summer, had me watch nixon on the teli that summer, he sat me down in front of the tv and made me watch the while thing that summer\n\n \n",1]
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the stories i could tell........shirley cadenhead was my partner that summer , we were flown to up state new york for a weekend of ...what would you call i t, where they gave us the books and manuals we would need to teach only their versions to teach vacation bible school,
one week was in the projects in new york, so there i was, all alone, perhaps 17 or 18 years old, walking alone in an all black project scouting out for kids i could teach the message of christ to, it was interesting, for some guardian angels were with me the whole way, it was always the black families that were the kind est, and had the best food......
paducah smelled of paper mills, it was full of farms and farm houses, it was just beautiful, i got into finding grave yards and taking photographs of them, but the smell of the paper mills was always present, and that was awful....
one family i lived with in paducah, kentucky, had a store where all they made and sold were strawberry pies, to die for, to this day i would love to go back, i lived on strawberry pies for a week
the primary minister, for we had one per summer, but then we also had ten per church per summer, had me watch nixon on the teli that summer, he sat me down in front of the tv and made me watch the while thing that summer
also that was the summer johnny jordon committed suicide, i had sent a taped message to my "Church girl friend, prom date for graduation 1973, a message in my voice insisted she check in on johnny, johnny and i had been lovers for years via boy scouts and he was n the church choir,, his mother was a big person in the choir, so when the call came, i was living with a very nice advanced family that summer, in new jersey, i cried like a baby for weeks, \n\n \nthey were the couple that send me and shirely candenhead to broadway to see Carol Channing in Lorelei\n (a reworking of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes) (1974) and \' PIPPIN", i wish to god they had sent me to the metro museum, but i have a vivid memory of the afternoon after pippin, for the shows they sent us to, on our own, were in the days, of me being in the back seat of the car while we were driving leaving new york city, \n\n \nand a bunch of boys in the car to my left yelling and screaming something at me, the driver, the head of the household i was staying with at the time, for one week, said something to the effect:\n\n"i think they are talking to you david"....\n \nto my ignorance did i later realize they were gay, brothers, yelling at my young cute self, dressed up in my christian best, just coming from pippin having seen Ben Vereen, which had a profound effect upon me, and to this day.....\n",1]
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also that was the summer johnny jordon committed suicide, i had sent a taped message to my "Church girl friend, prom date for graduation 1973, a message in my voice insisted she check in on johnny, johnny and i had been lovers for years via boy scouts and he was n the church choir,, his mother was a big person in the choir, so when the call came, i was living with a very nice advanced family that summer, in new jersey, i cried like a baby for weeks,
they were the couple that send me and shirely candenhead to broadway to see Carol Channing in Lorelei (a reworking of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes) (1974) and ' PIPPIN", i wish to god they had sent me to the metro museum, but i have a vivid memory of the afternoon after pippin, for the shows they sent us to, on our own, were in the days, of me being in the back seat of the car while we were driving leaving new york city,
and a bunch of boys in the car to my left yelling and screaming something at me, the driver, the head of the household i was staying with at the time, for one week, said something to the effect:
"i think they are talking to you david"....
to my ignorance did i later realize they were gay, brothers, yelling at my young cute self, dressed up in my christian best, just coming from pippin having seen Ben Vereen, which had a profound effect upon me, and to this day.....
\n \nbut johnny had committed suicide, to this day i dont know the full reason, i was not able to get into stetson out of high school as i had awful SAT scores, and had to go to daytona beach community college for two years, to get my grades up, and somehow, got a ministerial grant to stetson, all of that affected johnny in the worse of ways, and his mother found him that summer, dead in his bedroom, with pieces of scriptures all over the room......i think he wanted to go to stetson, and had gotten turned down.....\n\n \ni had strings pulled, my boss for years, as i had been a Maid at the SEA DIP MOTEL for mister and misses white, millionaires at our church, and he a board member at stetson, got me a grant, and someone i managed to take several tests just out of mainland high school, and someone, having never ever in my life taken any humanities courses, \nCollege Level Examination Program (CLEP)(tested two whole semesters of Humanities, as i has somehow self taught myself humanities starting in junior high school......\n\n \nin an effort to get away from a bully on my school bus, my next door neighbor, johnny walker, not the same one that outed me, who used to chase me home every day since i was in the first grade at hurst elementary, so by junior high, i walked to the city library in daytona beach, when it was very very small, would stop off at a candy store, and then walk to the library, and proceed to listen to every classical record, bach, mozart, Beethoven, you name it, and read read read anything they had, i literally read every book in the humanities department, and someone by 1973, I took a simple test called a clep test, and aced two semesters, which just not only blew me away, but blew away \n",1]
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but johnny had committed suicide, to this day i dont know the full reason, i was not able to get into stetson out of high school as i had awful SAT scores, and had to go to daytona beach community college for two years, to get my grades up, and somehow, got a ministerial grant to stetson, all of that affected johnny in the worse of ways, and his mother found him that summer, dead in his bedroom, with pieces of scriptures all over the room......i think he wanted to go to stetson, and had gotten turned down.....
i had strings pulled, my boss for years, as i had been a Maid at the SEA DIP MOTEL for mister and misses white, millionaires at our church, and he a board member at stetson, got me a grant, and someone i managed to take several tests just out of mainland high school, and someone, having never ever in my life taken any humanities courses, College Level Examination Program (CLEP)(tested two whole semesters of Humanities, as i has somehow self taught myself humanities starting in junior high school......
in an effort to get away from a bully on my school bus, my next door neighbor, johnny walker, not the same one that outed me, who used to chase me home every day since i was in the first grade at hurst elementary, so by junior high, i walked to the city library in daytona beach, when it was very very small, would stop off at a candy store, and then walk to the library, and proceed to listen to every classical record, bach, mozart, Beethoven, you name it, and read read read anything they had, i literally read every book in the humanities department, and someone by 1973, I took a simple test called a clep test, and aced two semesters, which just not only blew me away, but blew away
\nthe board of directors at stetson......\n \nso johnny jordon was my first death, he still is always with me, he, myself, and alan fox, used to have three ways in boy scouts while in junior high, that was 7th, 8th, and 9th grade, i had just discovered The lord of the Rings in the 8th grade, as i was in a substandard english class....\n\n \nin the 7th grade we all had to take standardized test, where you read the question and then on another piece of paper you black in with a mark next to the number corresponding to the question on the other paper, where, i somehow got one whole side of numbers ahead, so i started with number question 1 but put my answer on number 30 on the second page, and by the end of the three hour test, i had all my answers in the wrong places, as when i finished i realized i still had a column left, and in my panic the teacher called out, stop now, time is up, and no one would let me retake the test.....\n\n \nso 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grades, i was put in substandard english classes, with all the dumb kids, yet i was in advanced latin classes starting in the 7th grade, for 6 years literally, i took a latin class ever semester, or whatever it was called in junior high and high school, and i was in advanced math and algebra classes, but all my good friends and smart friends i saw only in math, and was laughed at in english classes for six years, ......\n\n \nso why am i going on and on about all this, im sure you have more to read then my stuff, im just up late, in pain, and for some reason sitting up with an ice pack on my back on vicoden, i tend to write and remember stuff, and who better t hen you to share it all with.....\n",1]
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the board of directors at stetson......
so johnny jordon was my first death, he still is always with me, he, myself, and alan fox, used to have three ways in boy scouts while in junior high, that was 7th, 8th, and 9th grade, i had just discovered The lord of the Rings in the 8th grade, as i was in a substandard english class....
in the 7th grade we all had to take standardized test, where you read the question and then on another piece of paper you black in with a mark next to the number corresponding to the question on the other paper, where, i somehow got one whole side of numbers ahead, so i started with number question 1 but put my answer on number 30 on the second page, and by the end of the three hour test, i had all my answers in the wrong places, as when i finished i realized i still had a column left, and in my panic the teacher called out, stop now, time is up, and no one would let me retake the test.....
so 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grades, i was put in substandard english classes, with all the dumb kids, yet i was in advanced latin classes starting in the 7th grade, for 6 years literally, i took a latin class ever semester, or whatever it was called in junior high and high school, and i was in advanced math and algebra classes, but all my good friends and smart friends i saw only in math, and was laughed at in english classes for six years, ......
so why am i going on and on about all this, im sure you have more to read then my stuff, im just up late, in pain, and for some reason sitting up with an ice pack on my back on vicoden, i tend to write and remember stuff, and who better t hen you to share it all with.....
\n \nplus my kidney stone pain keeps coming back, in spite of eating urocet k like candy all week, i passed two last week, i probably already rambled on about that, almost had james take me to the emergency room tonight around 2am, but by 3am the pain had stopped, im up tying with a huge ice pack and a pillow on my back, eating vicoden even thou they dont stop the pain, just took another urocet k, its potassium something or other, that supposed to dissolve the stones.....\n\n \nim gonna have to see a urolgoist, the past two weeks ive had stone pain every day, and its the worse pain in the world...so that is why i am up, if i lay down the stones dont move, but if i sit up they tend to move out of my kidney down into my bladder where the urocet k dissolves them, hopefully.....\n\n \nand add all this to you should see me, i look like a wookie, my face is swollen like a grapefruit, from what dr pratt did, im shaking like a leaf, i wish to god i could go to the emergency r oom, but they have blacklisted me there, and i would sit there for four hours, they would not give me morphine, but would send me home after calling my doctor this early in the morning, morphine gives me horrible headaches, but someday one of these stones is gonna be so big im gonna have to go to the emergency room, i should have gone tonight, but james is off tomorrow, and i just hate to h ave him drive me there and go thru all that with me, its just such a hassle for him, when the hospital wont help me, as that thanksgiving we both had our nervous breakdowns, that was that cold winter i got blacklisted....emergency room doctors had chronic pain sufferers, they refuse to treat us, \n",1]
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plus my kidney stone pain keeps coming back, in spite of eating urocet k like candy all week, i passed two last week, i probably already rambled on about that, almost had james take me to the emergency room tonight around 2am, but by 3am the pain had stopped, im up tying with a huge ice pack and a pillow on my back, eating vicoden even thou they dont stop the pain, just took another urocet k, its potassium something or other, that supposed to dissolve the stones.....
im gonna have to see a urolgoist, the past two weeks ive had stone pain every day, and its the worse pain in the world...so that is why i am up, if i lay down the stones dont move, but if i sit up they tend to move out of my kidney down into my bladder where the urocet k dissolves them, hopefully.....
and add all this to you should see me, i look like a wookie, my face is swollen like a grapefruit, from what dr pratt did, im shaking like a leaf, i wish to god i could go to the emergency r oom, but they have blacklisted me there, and i would sit there for four hours, they would not give me morphine, but would send me home after calling my doctor this early in the morning, morphine gives me horrible headaches, but someday one of these stones is gonna be so big im gonna have to go to the emergency room, i should have gone tonight, but james is off tomorrow, and i just hate to h ave him drive me there and go thru all that with me, its just such a hassle for him, when the hospital wont help me, as that thanksgiving we both had our nervous breakdowns, that was that cold winter i got blacklisted....emergency room doctors had chronic pain sufferers, they refuse to treat us,
\n \nthe last time i went, i had to have my sister take me in my wheelchair as i could not walk, that was august of this year, and the nurse guy made me wait four hours to see the doctor, somehow my name is on a list to discourage me, and in the end i gave up and went home and got on ice, as in the end, the stone has to either pass, which is like having a baby meteor rock come out of your penis, or have it dissolve, which is by sure the best of the two choices, it takes on average two to three hours for the urocet to dissolve a stone, so i die for several hours here, and the past two weeeks its been this way every day, so something is afoot......but i see dr shah on nov 6 and will get a referral to a urologist, and find out what the fuck is going on.......\n\n \nso i graduated from daytona beach community college, with not the best of grades, but enuff to get me into stetson, i was supposed to be a biology major but changed it to sociology because, once again, due to extensive child hood brainwashing, the Lord called me into the Ministry, and off i went to stetson to be a christian southern baptist social worker of some sort, who the hell knows..\n\n \nbut the true wonder was what was in store for me at stetson, you my dearest of friends, and you alone, opened my mind to open my mind, LOL< , and from our friendship grew my art work, our journeys into consciouness, our journeys to the beaches and casadaga, and more then anything, getting to know you and your old soul.\n\n \nthank you so much for being there, for coming into my life when you did, for you saved me from going down another wrong road, and rather, helped me discover my rightful self via art, music, \n",1]
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the last time i went, i had to have my sister take me in my wheelchair as i could not walk, that was august of this year, and the nurse guy made me wait four hours to see the doctor, somehow my name is on a list to discourage me, and in the end i gave up and went home and got on ice, as in the end, the stone has to either pass, which is like having a baby meteor rock come out of your penis, or have it dissolve, which is by sure the best of the two choices, it takes on average two to three hours for the urocet to dissolve a stone, so i die for several hours here, and the past two weeeks its been this way every day, so something is afoot......but i see dr shah on nov 6 and will get a referral to a urologist, and find out what the fuck is going on.......
so i graduated from daytona beach community college, with not the best of grades, but enuff to get me into stetson, i was supposed to be a biology major but changed it to sociology because, once again, due to extensive child hood brainwashing, the Lord called me into the Ministry, and off i went to stetson to be a christian southern baptist social worker of some sort, who the hell knows..
but the true wonder was what was in store for me at stetson, you my dearest of friends, and you alone, opened my mind to open my mind, LOL< , and from our friendship grew my art work, our journeys into consciouness, our journeys to the beaches and casadaga, and more then anything, getting to know you and your old soul.
thank you so much for being there, for coming into my life when you did, for you saved me from going down another wrong road, and rather, helped me discover my rightful self via art, music,
\nand wild and wolly adventures, including that one mysterious night under the stars where you and i were touched and made more then what we were at the time by our unseen unknown travelors from afar\n\n \nthanks for always being there, and i hope we have many more years to grow on and on, i dont want the world to end anytime soon, even thou my days are full of pain and dispair and depression, i want to keep fighting \n\n \nso soon i can start up once again using a kiln and finishing what i started at stetson in that dark basement, on top of that moon lite building roof, and to start another artistic journey in spite of pain that would destroy most persons.\n\n \nfor my pain will, if the maker lets me live at least another twenty years, that pain will allow me to sculpt and draw so i can understand why i am here, and why THEY choose you and i that summer night in deland, why they choose us, from way high in the atmosphere, to come zooming down, to check us out, for they saw something in us we have yet to see in ourselves, perhaps, they saw\n\npotential neither of us understands yet, but potential they forsaw, for surely if they can travel as they did and do, then certainly, they saw our future also, and as hard as both of our daily lives are, from day to day, we fight and suffer, we still manage to love and give out our energy to others, thru your paintings you bring joy to many , and for me, i have yet to find out what i am here for, for i have so many artistic plans in my head and heart, i \n",1]
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and wild and wolly adventures, including that one mysterious night under the stars where you and i were touched and made more then what we were at the time by our unseen unknown travelors from afar
thanks for always being there, and i hope we have many more years to grow on and on, i dont want the world to end anytime soon, even thou my days are full of pain and dispair and depression, i want to keep fighting
so soon i can start up once again using a kiln and finishing what i started at stetson in that dark basement, on top of that moon lite building roof, and to start another artistic journey in spite of pain that would destroy most persons.
for my pain will, if the maker lets me live at least another twenty years, that pain will allow me to sculpt and draw so i can understand why i am here, and why THEY choose you and i that summer night in deland, why they choose us, from way high in the atmosphere, to come zooming down, to check us out, for they saw something in us we have yet to see in ourselves, perhaps, they saw
potential neither of us understands yet, but potential they forsaw, for surely if they can travel as they did and do, then certainly, they saw our future also, and as hard as both of our daily lives are, from day to day, we fight and suffer, we still manage to love and give out our energy to others, thru your paintings you bring joy to many , and for me, i have yet to find out what i am here for, for i have so many artistic plans in my head and heart, i
\n \njust need the time, and the managment of pain, to diminish it, so i can work and create a body of work, especially a body of work in procelain, for i only started something at stetson, something i never got to finish, much less really discover, for now i wish and hope for time and diminshed pain to allow me to create a body of work from my soul, heart, and mind, for i have all this stuff in my head that wants to be sculputed out in clay, and yet right now i cant even sit up for more then a few hours without eating pain pills, like toinight, this letter started at 5;39AM and is ending at 7:10, and during this time i managed to stay up and lucid, even in spite of pain medication, so this weekend all this energy will go to two drawings, but i need time and more time over the next years, and better medication, to let me become the sculptor i was meant to be.\n\n \nlove you much, thanks for reading all this, and thanks for always being there and here, for today i cant still open my mouth to talk, but i can certainly ramble on and write, for today i am a frankenstein, with stiches where my teeth once where, and still for several more days and weeks, i have to keep my mouth shut, and to live on yogurt, and to bear with more pain that for me, is that thing that is turning me into something more then human, for pain is like a fire, and i am the person\n\nnow living in a very real physical kiln, and i cant wait for the pain and fire to stop, so i can start liivng again.\n \n \ndave, the metallic ape\n\n",0]
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just need the time, and the managment of pain, to diminish it, so i can work and create a body of work, especially a body of work in procelain, for i only started something at stetson, something i never got to finish, much less really discover, for now i wish and hope for time and diminshed pain to allow me to create a body of work from my soul, heart, and mind, for i have all this stuff in my head that wants to be sculputed out in clay, and yet right now i cant even sit up for more then a few hours without eating pain pills, like toinight, this letter started at 5;39AM and is ending at 7:10, and during this time i managed to stay up and lucid, even in spite of pain medication, so this weekend all this energy will go to two drawings, but i need time and more time over the next years, and better medication, to let me become the sculptor i was meant to be.
love you much, thanks for reading all this, and thanks for always being there and here, for today i cant still open my mouth to talk, but i can certainly ramble on and write, for today i am a frankenstein, with stiches where my teeth once where, and still for several more days and weeks, i have to keep my mouth shut, and to live on yogurt, and to bear with more pain that for me, is that thing that is turning me into something more then human, for pain is like a fire, and i am the person
now living in a very real physical kiln, and i cant wait for the pain and fire to stop, so i can start liivng again.
dave, the metallic ape
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Grosgrain-covered seam allowances Exclusive Advocate.com
Grosgrain-covered seam allowances! Laura gets all Murder She Wrote on Jeffrey on the first part of Project Runway's finale. By Dave WhiteAn Advocate.com exclusive posted October 13, 2006
Project Runway
Oprah's talking about the war with Frank Rich, but I just interrupted her to write this recap. I realized as I switched from one TiVo choice to another that I've read more about the war and seen more creative response to it in the pages of fashion magazines than I've seen on Oprah's show to date. So for all you people who think that fashion is shallow, I would just like to point out to you the latest Dolce & Gabbana ad campaign, the one with models dressed in militaresque luxury items and getting their 1,000-yard-stare bored faces on as bombs explode around them. Those models are posing for peace. Don't you forget it.
Now we begin the first of a two-part finale—one containing a miniwar of its own and one that will leave us with nothing to think about afterward but the horror of the world. No fashions to console us, no petty dramas to divert our attention. Until Christmas shopping season begins anyway. And then, after that, American Idol comes back for another season. So not too much world horror if you plan it properly.
Heidi kicks off the episode by walking out onto the runway in jeans and a little sparkly top. The first words out of her mouth are “Ha-ha!” But it's a different kind of “Ha-ha” than the one from the commercials for the show, the one I've become addicted to—the high-pitched, ebullient, maniacal honk. This one is more alto and sinister, and I believe it's her way of reminding the remaining four designers that their lives are going to get much more difficult starting right now.
The four designers have to execute 12 separate looks for Olympus Fashion Week at Bryant Park. They have $8,000 and two months to pull it all together. After she gives them this challenge she says, “And now I have a special guest.” All four of them cringe and shrink and flinch. That's what happens when a tall blond German woman is constantly poking and prodding you and making you create dresses out of recycled plastic and forcing you to hang out with Vincent and Angela, just when you think you've finally gotten rid of them for good. But the special guest just turns out to be Tim Gunn. Everyone's relieved, but check it, Heidi, Tim Gunn doesn't count as a special guest. A special guest would be the ghost of Halston hovering into the room, warning them about the perils that lie ahead and to stay away from Liza Minnelli. Or a video conference call from Yves Saint Laurent's hospital bed. That's a special guest: someone who's not already a contract player.
They head back to Atlas to pack. Laura places all her belongings just so in her big boxy Louis Vuitton suitcase. Then you see her carrying it herself, in heels, pregnant. She walks home to her Manhattan apartment that way. When I see her do things like this I am reminded that I'm a failure at life. The other three get in taxis and fly home.
One month later: Tim Gunn heads down to the ATL to meet Michael. When he arrives a red Saturn is waiting to take him around. It's a different one than the one he uses to drive to the Cloisters. Because he's in the Dirty South he's got Dead Prez and Trina in the CD player. He's eating chicken and waffles while he drives, which is totally not safe to do. But Tim Gunn lives on that edge.
He gets to Michael's house. I put the TiVo on slow motion to scan the place for signs of Gay. But either he's the most boring gay ever when it comes to home interiors or he just uses all his creativity on the making of pretty clothes for ladies. This is cause for pausing the TiVo in my house, while the assembled homosexual viewers discuss the options. Maybe he “straightened up” and hid all those E. Lynn Harris novels. Maybe he only “gays” when he's out of town (then we all compare notes on how many states and countries we've each “gayed” in), or when the cameras aren't on. Or he's not gay. But that last one can't really be an option, right?
Michael tells Tim his collection is called Street Safari. That sounds classy. And Jubilee Jumbles was already taken. His sketches have giant Farrah weaves, and all the ladies appear to be tarted up in silk voile versions of clothes Banana Republic used to carry back in the late 1980s, back when they always had a big jeep parked in the middle of the place and all that shit had epaulets. He shows Tim Gunn a white dress with a drawstring lace-up neckline and flappy boob pockets. In other words, he's designing for Ciara's next safari. And wow, look at that gross white lamp in the background and the matchy white furniture. That's some JC Penney shit right there. Tim Gunn is concerned about the collection. He says it's not cohesive yet. Michael has work to do (and an interior designer to call).
Then they go to Michael's cousin's house for dinner. We meet his mother again—why isn't she wearing the outfit from the Mom Challenge?—and his father. Then it's snapshot time. Michael as a little boy, Michael in ski pajamas, Michael as Kid and Play, Michael as Lenny Kravitz, Michael as Usher. While the snapshots roll Michael talks about how supportive and loving his family has been. His father, talking to Tim Gunn, says, “I said, 'He's going to be a beautician.' We saw the way he was going to go.”
OK, so yes: gay.
They hold hands and pray over the meal, one we're not allowed to witness other than to see the assembled seven guests sitting around two different small round tables under a 4,000 watt overhead light fixture. Everyone squints blindly, looking guilty and cracking under the pressure of the relentless questioning.
“Next stop,” says Tim Gunn, after stopping by the Ying Yang Twins' house for some Crunk Juice, “is Laura Bennett.” She greets him in a dress she could have designed: empire waist, knocked-up belly poking out, black. She says that the baby is her fifth boy in a row and shows Tim Gunn the gigantic apartment she lives in with her rich architect husband and privileged spawn, strewn with video games and basketballs. She's dying for the day, 18 years in the future, when she can finally have some furniture that's not a bean bag or a swinging chair that hangs from the ceiling. There are no kids around, and you can bet your Ritalin that they've been on lots of outings with the nanny for the past month. More snapshots: Laura as a little girl, Laura as Danny Bonaduce, Laura holding what she must have believed would be her first and only child.
She shows Tim a chartreuse dressing gown, ruffled out the ass, something “Joan Crawford might have worn in Torch Song,” says my husband. He's only 39 and he makes references like this every time he opens his mouth. It's kind of weird, but I've gotten used to it and even enjoy it, though much of the time I have no idea what he's talking about. I say, “Yeah, what's that?” a lot. Then he finds whatever old Hollywood diva movie he's referencing on TCM and forces me to watch it. I'm grateful for this, really.
Then the kids come in with the rich architect husband, Albert Einstein. You know what you never see in Los Angeles outside of my house? People with gray hair. I just realized that. But whatever, here's her David Cronenberg brood. The littlest one has a big lump of turtle poop in his hand that he offers to Tim Gunn. Tim Gunn backs away quickly from the monster child. Thirty minutes later Tim Gunn can't wait to leave. “I'm exhausted,” he says. And just in the nick of time too because Laura's Bryant Park anxiety is about to mind-control those kids into a feral frenzy, and they're all going to start gnawing on Tim Gunn's neck.
Off to Miami to visit Fraulein Uli. More Saturning. Tim Gunn knocks on her door and that thing I hate happens: The cameras are already inside waiting for him to come in. It throws me every time. The cameras should come inside with Tim Gunn. How else am I supposed to believe that this is reality television? Uli lives in an apartment building that I believe is actually floating on the ocean. Her balcony view is nothing but water. “That's the dream of America,” she says. Can you imagine her growing up in East Germany, under gray skies all the time, pouting, “I hate it here. Bring me to ze beach for fabulous pah-ties and ze bikini shopping.”
She shows Tim Gunn her collection. Hers is also safari-themed. What gives with all the safari-ing? It's patterny—big surprise. They go to ze beach and sit on a table. Tim Gunn shows his bare feet. Uli talks about watching Miami Vice as a kid and dreaming of Florida. We see old black-und-vite photos of the East German kinder-prison she escaped from in search of mojitos with Phillip Michael Thomas. It's like that old Saturday Night Live sketch with Woody Harrelson as the post–Wall collapse German filmmaker wearing a Spuds Mackenzie T-shirt and one of those beer-bong baseball caps, shouting, “Whoo! Pah-tee!”
Finally, Tim Gunn Saturns to Los Angeles. I can't wait to see Jeffrey's controversial collection. You've heard about this already, right? Apparently Laura accused him of outsourcing his work because she didn't believe he could have finished in time. It's been all over the news. Well, the calorie-free entertainment news, anyway. But I'm getting ahead of myself. More Saturning.
The cameras are waiting for Tim Gunn again, as Jeffrey and his Mohawked girlfriend and their punk-rock baby stand inside their door waiting for him. Kisses all around and then coffee on a table featuring a breast-cancer-pink Dualit toaster and mugs that say “slut” on them. Tim Gunn drinking coffee from the slut cup. How awesome is Tim Gunn? He's just going with the flow wherever he is. That's the worldly, open-hearted way that Saturn owners live life. It's the car for citizens of the Global Village. Behind Tim Gunn's head, though, is one of those cruddy album picture frames. I hate those. It appears to contain an autographed copy of the Who's Tommy LP. And sure, whatever, that's great and all. But I still hate those damn things.
Jeffrey talks about getting sober. We see snapshots of him as a baby, first happy, then crying as he talks about how his father left him as a child and how scary a man his father was. “A lot of rage,” says Jeffrey. Hence Jeffrey using drugs early and often. He did all the drugs and then tried to hang himself. That was the bottom. Now he has a neck tattoo to remind him not to do that sort of thing anymore.
Jeffrey takes Tim Gunn to his huge work space and shows him what appears from far away to be a simple striped dress-—and is in fact a bizarrely zippered roller coaster of seams and curves. Was it Kors who called his stuff ugly-beautiful once? I forget. But I like it. Then he says Japanese ghost and demon stories were his inspiration. So if you try on one of his outfits, you die seven days later. Then he talks about everything being a “gift” and how he's “eternally grateful” for everything he has. Recovering addicts—and dopey actors—always say shit like this, but you believe it coming from the recovering addicts because at least they have cool stories of prostituting themselves for crack at 4 a.m. in a skid row alley somewhere and not just peevish tales of cater-waitering and blow jobs in some producer's hot tub.
It's two weeks later: Everyone's back. Not at Atlas; now they're at Flatotel. Everyone arrives. The show has been on the air now since July and has caught up to their actual real lives, so when Jeffrey comes in Uli asks him if people throw eggs at him when they see him. Is that the show's perception of Jeffrey? I mean, yeah, he can be a dick and unnecessarily harsh and a dry drunk sometimes, but he's nowhere near as ugly-acting as an Omorosa. By my reckoning there's been no clear-cut villain this season. Laura says bitchy things, Vincent was repellent and a nut job, Angela was whiny and a pain, and Jeffrey's inherited some of his Dad's rage, but no one person has had to shoulder the story team's need for a singularly hated monster. Ooh, I just had a great reality TV show concept pop into my head: It's called The New Improved Night Stalker—because there used to be an occulty crime show in the 1970s that was already called Night Stalker, FYI, and then a remake of that show a season or two back that only lasted like two episodes but that didn't have the awesome idea to call itself The New Improved Night Stalker, so the name is still my invention—and anyway, you put 12 people in a creaky old spooky house and one of them is a serial killer. Then as contestants are brutally murdered one by one, the others have to band together to find out which one of them is doing it. It'll be like The Mole. The winner gets a Saturn.
Now begins the controversy:
1. Laura comments that it appears that Jeffrey has a lot of pieces finished. Guilty! Guilty guilty guilty!
2. Tim Gunn checks on progress.
3. As Tim Gunn checks Jeffrey, we get cuts back and forth to Laura and Uli casting odd glances in someone's direction. It could be that Michael just passed gas or that the pizza just arrived an hour late, but the edits make you assume they're throwing disapproving glances at Jeffrey.
4. Neither Uli nor Laura nor Michael are completely finished yet. Jeffrey is.
5. Michael shows Tim the most hideous blouse I've seen in a long time—a white lace-up thing with not just flappy boob pockets but sequined flappy boob pockets. And more sequined pockets beneath them.
6. Tim collects receipts. Jeffrey hands his in last, all criminalish. More cuts to concerned faces. How dare Jeffrey be last? Foul play!
7. Models are fitted. Laura can't believe that Jeffrey has no alterations to do. “Every hook, every seam,” she says. It's time to stir that turtle poop.
8. Then Laura, in interview, drops her bomb. She doesn't believe Jeffrey sewed his collection himself. She gains support from Michael and Uli, enumerating Jeffrey's cheating evidence. “Things…like incredible finishing inside the garments. Grosgrain-covered seam allowances.” What? Grosgrain-covered seam allowances? OK, I'm convinced. Burn the monster!
9. Laura tattles to Tim Gunn.
10. Tim Gunn promises to take it to the producers and investigate.
11. Laura tells Jeffrey that she told Tim Gunn her belief in his cheaterliness. Prove that you don't beat your children!
12. Tim Gunn talks to Jeffrey about his alleged whatever. Apparently it's OK to have a little help because Jeffrey tells Tim Gunn he sent out a pair of shorts to be pleated and Tim Gunn acts like this is no big whoop.
And finally, in interview, Jeffrey asserts his innocence and then says he's still scared that he won't show in Bryant Park. But he did show because the pictures are up online all over the place. So if he is guilty of some sartorial skullduggery, then they still let him show. I have no idea what's going on. But in the heavily manipulated quick-cut edits of scenes from next week's show, they make it look like he's being kicked off. I'm betting not. Why would he fuck himself over like that? It doesn't make sense. His sponsor would kick his ass.
Grosgrain-covered seam allowances! Laura gets all Murder She Wrote on Jeffrey on the first part of Project Runway's finale. By Dave WhiteAn Advocate.com exclusive posted October 13, 2006
Project Runway
Oprah's talking about the war with Frank Rich, but I just interrupted her to write this recap. I realized as I switched from one TiVo choice to another that I've read more about the war and seen more creative response to it in the pages of fashion magazines than I've seen on Oprah's show to date. So for all you people who think that fashion is shallow, I would just like to point out to you the latest Dolce & Gabbana ad campaign, the one with models dressed in militaresque luxury items and getting their 1,000-yard-stare bored faces on as bombs explode around them. Those models are posing for peace. Don't you forget it.
Now we begin the first of a two-part finale—one containing a miniwar of its own and one that will leave us with nothing to think about afterward but the horror of the world. No fashions to console us, no petty dramas to divert our attention. Until Christmas shopping season begins anyway. And then, after that, American Idol comes back for another season. So not too much world horror if you plan it properly.
Heidi kicks off the episode by walking out onto the runway in jeans and a little sparkly top. The first words out of her mouth are “Ha-ha!” But it's a different kind of “Ha-ha” than the one from the commercials for the show, the one I've become addicted to—the high-pitched, ebullient, maniacal honk. This one is more alto and sinister, and I believe it's her way of reminding the remaining four designers that their lives are going to get much more difficult starting right now.
The four designers have to execute 12 separate looks for Olympus Fashion Week at Bryant Park. They have $8,000 and two months to pull it all together. After she gives them this challenge she says, “And now I have a special guest.” All four of them cringe and shrink and flinch. That's what happens when a tall blond German woman is constantly poking and prodding you and making you create dresses out of recycled plastic and forcing you to hang out with Vincent and Angela, just when you think you've finally gotten rid of them for good. But the special guest just turns out to be Tim Gunn. Everyone's relieved, but check it, Heidi, Tim Gunn doesn't count as a special guest. A special guest would be the ghost of Halston hovering into the room, warning them about the perils that lie ahead and to stay away from Liza Minnelli. Or a video conference call from Yves Saint Laurent's hospital bed. That's a special guest: someone who's not already a contract player.
They head back to Atlas to pack. Laura places all her belongings just so in her big boxy Louis Vuitton suitcase. Then you see her carrying it herself, in heels, pregnant. She walks home to her Manhattan apartment that way. When I see her do things like this I am reminded that I'm a failure at life. The other three get in taxis and fly home.
One month later: Tim Gunn heads down to the ATL to meet Michael. When he arrives a red Saturn is waiting to take him around. It's a different one than the one he uses to drive to the Cloisters. Because he's in the Dirty South he's got Dead Prez and Trina in the CD player. He's eating chicken and waffles while he drives, which is totally not safe to do. But Tim Gunn lives on that edge.
He gets to Michael's house. I put the TiVo on slow motion to scan the place for signs of Gay. But either he's the most boring gay ever when it comes to home interiors or he just uses all his creativity on the making of pretty clothes for ladies. This is cause for pausing the TiVo in my house, while the assembled homosexual viewers discuss the options. Maybe he “straightened up” and hid all those E. Lynn Harris novels. Maybe he only “gays” when he's out of town (then we all compare notes on how many states and countries we've each “gayed” in), or when the cameras aren't on. Or he's not gay. But that last one can't really be an option, right?
Michael tells Tim his collection is called Street Safari. That sounds classy. And Jubilee Jumbles was already taken. His sketches have giant Farrah weaves, and all the ladies appear to be tarted up in silk voile versions of clothes Banana Republic used to carry back in the late 1980s, back when they always had a big jeep parked in the middle of the place and all that shit had epaulets. He shows Tim Gunn a white dress with a drawstring lace-up neckline and flappy boob pockets. In other words, he's designing for Ciara's next safari. And wow, look at that gross white lamp in the background and the matchy white furniture. That's some JC Penney shit right there. Tim Gunn is concerned about the collection. He says it's not cohesive yet. Michael has work to do (and an interior designer to call).
Then they go to Michael's cousin's house for dinner. We meet his mother again—why isn't she wearing the outfit from the Mom Challenge?—and his father. Then it's snapshot time. Michael as a little boy, Michael in ski pajamas, Michael as Kid and Play, Michael as Lenny Kravitz, Michael as Usher. While the snapshots roll Michael talks about how supportive and loving his family has been. His father, talking to Tim Gunn, says, “I said, 'He's going to be a beautician.' We saw the way he was going to go.”
OK, so yes: gay.
They hold hands and pray over the meal, one we're not allowed to witness other than to see the assembled seven guests sitting around two different small round tables under a 4,000 watt overhead light fixture. Everyone squints blindly, looking guilty and cracking under the pressure of the relentless questioning.
“Next stop,” says Tim Gunn, after stopping by the Ying Yang Twins' house for some Crunk Juice, “is Laura Bennett.” She greets him in a dress she could have designed: empire waist, knocked-up belly poking out, black. She says that the baby is her fifth boy in a row and shows Tim Gunn the gigantic apartment she lives in with her rich architect husband and privileged spawn, strewn with video games and basketballs. She's dying for the day, 18 years in the future, when she can finally have some furniture that's not a bean bag or a swinging chair that hangs from the ceiling. There are no kids around, and you can bet your Ritalin that they've been on lots of outings with the nanny for the past month. More snapshots: Laura as a little girl, Laura as Danny Bonaduce, Laura holding what she must have believed would be her first and only child.
She shows Tim a chartreuse dressing gown, ruffled out the ass, something “Joan Crawford might have worn in Torch Song,” says my husband. He's only 39 and he makes references like this every time he opens his mouth. It's kind of weird, but I've gotten used to it and even enjoy it, though much of the time I have no idea what he's talking about. I say, “Yeah, what's that?” a lot. Then he finds whatever old Hollywood diva movie he's referencing on TCM and forces me to watch it. I'm grateful for this, really.
Then the kids come in with the rich architect husband, Albert Einstein. You know what you never see in Los Angeles outside of my house? People with gray hair. I just realized that. But whatever, here's her David Cronenberg brood. The littlest one has a big lump of turtle poop in his hand that he offers to Tim Gunn. Tim Gunn backs away quickly from the monster child. Thirty minutes later Tim Gunn can't wait to leave. “I'm exhausted,” he says. And just in the nick of time too because Laura's Bryant Park anxiety is about to mind-control those kids into a feral frenzy, and they're all going to start gnawing on Tim Gunn's neck.
Off to Miami to visit Fraulein Uli. More Saturning. Tim Gunn knocks on her door and that thing I hate happens: The cameras are already inside waiting for him to come in. It throws me every time. The cameras should come inside with Tim Gunn. How else am I supposed to believe that this is reality television? Uli lives in an apartment building that I believe is actually floating on the ocean. Her balcony view is nothing but water. “That's the dream of America,” she says. Can you imagine her growing up in East Germany, under gray skies all the time, pouting, “I hate it here. Bring me to ze beach for fabulous pah-ties and ze bikini shopping.”
She shows Tim Gunn her collection. Hers is also safari-themed. What gives with all the safari-ing? It's patterny—big surprise. They go to ze beach and sit on a table. Tim Gunn shows his bare feet. Uli talks about watching Miami Vice as a kid and dreaming of Florida. We see old black-und-vite photos of the East German kinder-prison she escaped from in search of mojitos with Phillip Michael Thomas. It's like that old Saturday Night Live sketch with Woody Harrelson as the post–Wall collapse German filmmaker wearing a Spuds Mackenzie T-shirt and one of those beer-bong baseball caps, shouting, “Whoo! Pah-tee!”
Finally, Tim Gunn Saturns to Los Angeles. I can't wait to see Jeffrey's controversial collection. You've heard about this already, right? Apparently Laura accused him of outsourcing his work because she didn't believe he could have finished in time. It's been all over the news. Well, the calorie-free entertainment news, anyway. But I'm getting ahead of myself. More Saturning.
The cameras are waiting for Tim Gunn again, as Jeffrey and his Mohawked girlfriend and their punk-rock baby stand inside their door waiting for him. Kisses all around and then coffee on a table featuring a breast-cancer-pink Dualit toaster and mugs that say “slut” on them. Tim Gunn drinking coffee from the slut cup. How awesome is Tim Gunn? He's just going with the flow wherever he is. That's the worldly, open-hearted way that Saturn owners live life. It's the car for citizens of the Global Village. Behind Tim Gunn's head, though, is one of those cruddy album picture frames. I hate those. It appears to contain an autographed copy of the Who's Tommy LP. And sure, whatever, that's great and all. But I still hate those damn things.
Jeffrey talks about getting sober. We see snapshots of him as a baby, first happy, then crying as he talks about how his father left him as a child and how scary a man his father was. “A lot of rage,” says Jeffrey. Hence Jeffrey using drugs early and often. He did all the drugs and then tried to hang himself. That was the bottom. Now he has a neck tattoo to remind him not to do that sort of thing anymore.
Jeffrey takes Tim Gunn to his huge work space and shows him what appears from far away to be a simple striped dress-—and is in fact a bizarrely zippered roller coaster of seams and curves. Was it Kors who called his stuff ugly-beautiful once? I forget. But I like it. Then he says Japanese ghost and demon stories were his inspiration. So if you try on one of his outfits, you die seven days later. Then he talks about everything being a “gift” and how he's “eternally grateful” for everything he has. Recovering addicts—and dopey actors—always say shit like this, but you believe it coming from the recovering addicts because at least they have cool stories of prostituting themselves for crack at 4 a.m. in a skid row alley somewhere and not just peevish tales of cater-waitering and blow jobs in some producer's hot tub.
It's two weeks later: Everyone's back. Not at Atlas; now they're at Flatotel. Everyone arrives. The show has been on the air now since July and has caught up to their actual real lives, so when Jeffrey comes in Uli asks him if people throw eggs at him when they see him. Is that the show's perception of Jeffrey? I mean, yeah, he can be a dick and unnecessarily harsh and a dry drunk sometimes, but he's nowhere near as ugly-acting as an Omorosa. By my reckoning there's been no clear-cut villain this season. Laura says bitchy things, Vincent was repellent and a nut job, Angela was whiny and a pain, and Jeffrey's inherited some of his Dad's rage, but no one person has had to shoulder the story team's need for a singularly hated monster. Ooh, I just had a great reality TV show concept pop into my head: It's called The New Improved Night Stalker—because there used to be an occulty crime show in the 1970s that was already called Night Stalker, FYI, and then a remake of that show a season or two back that only lasted like two episodes but that didn't have the awesome idea to call itself The New Improved Night Stalker, so the name is still my invention—and anyway, you put 12 people in a creaky old spooky house and one of them is a serial killer. Then as contestants are brutally murdered one by one, the others have to band together to find out which one of them is doing it. It'll be like The Mole. The winner gets a Saturn.
Now begins the controversy:
1. Laura comments that it appears that Jeffrey has a lot of pieces finished. Guilty! Guilty guilty guilty!
2. Tim Gunn checks on progress.
3. As Tim Gunn checks Jeffrey, we get cuts back and forth to Laura and Uli casting odd glances in someone's direction. It could be that Michael just passed gas or that the pizza just arrived an hour late, but the edits make you assume they're throwing disapproving glances at Jeffrey.
4. Neither Uli nor Laura nor Michael are completely finished yet. Jeffrey is.
5. Michael shows Tim the most hideous blouse I've seen in a long time—a white lace-up thing with not just flappy boob pockets but sequined flappy boob pockets. And more sequined pockets beneath them.
6. Tim collects receipts. Jeffrey hands his in last, all criminalish. More cuts to concerned faces. How dare Jeffrey be last? Foul play!
7. Models are fitted. Laura can't believe that Jeffrey has no alterations to do. “Every hook, every seam,” she says. It's time to stir that turtle poop.
8. Then Laura, in interview, drops her bomb. She doesn't believe Jeffrey sewed his collection himself. She gains support from Michael and Uli, enumerating Jeffrey's cheating evidence. “Things…like incredible finishing inside the garments. Grosgrain-covered seam allowances.” What? Grosgrain-covered seam allowances? OK, I'm convinced. Burn the monster!
9. Laura tattles to Tim Gunn.
10. Tim Gunn promises to take it to the producers and investigate.
11. Laura tells Jeffrey that she told Tim Gunn her belief in his cheaterliness. Prove that you don't beat your children!
12. Tim Gunn talks to Jeffrey about his alleged whatever. Apparently it's OK to have a little help because Jeffrey tells Tim Gunn he sent out a pair of shorts to be pleated and Tim Gunn acts like this is no big whoop.
And finally, in interview, Jeffrey asserts his innocence and then says he's still scared that he won't show in Bryant Park. But he did show because the pictures are up online all over the place. So if he is guilty of some sartorial skullduggery, then they still let him show. I have no idea what's going on. But in the heavily manipulated quick-cut edits of scenes from next week's show, they make it look like he's being kicked off. I'm betting not. Why would he fuck himself over like that? It doesn't make sense. His sponsor would kick his ass.
I'm Dave White > Home
I really hope you haven't picked up this book thinking it's going to help you learn something about humanity or life or whatever. If that were the case, it would have tips or hints or something, maybe even one helpful bit of advice about how to make over your life with ease and grace, or, as in my case, make a cross-country move from a beloved hometown to a gay ghetto in a big city and how to fit in and not be constantly mortified. But it doesn't. This book is simply the one-year diary of a man who grew up in a nomadic family, and who as an adult decided to make a stubborn fetish out of staying put. Then that man found himself uprooted in the middle of his life and dumped, panting and sweating, into an unfamiliar environment. That's when he sat and complained about it, all the while stuffing his face with doughnuts.
My name is Dave White. This is my story
I really hope you haven't picked up this book thinking it's going to help you learn something about humanity or life or whatever. If that were the case, it would have tips or hints or something, maybe even one helpful bit of advice about how to make over your life with ease and grace, or, as in my case, make a cross-country move from a beloved hometown to a gay ghetto in a big city and how to fit in and not be constantly mortified. But it doesn't. This book is simply the one-year diary of a man who grew up in a nomadic family, and who as an adult decided to make a stubborn fetish out of staying put. Then that man found himself uprooted in the middle of his life and dumped, panting and sweating, into an unfamiliar environment. That's when he sat and complained about it, all the while stuffing his face with doughnuts.
My name is Dave White. This is my story
The end Exclusive Advocate.com
The end Dresses with lots of crazy zippers on them keep Nina interested. That's the moral of this season's Project Runway finale By Dave WhiteAn Advocate.com exclusive posted October 20, 2006
Project Runway
I had the chance to go to a big homo gathering to watch the finale, but I opted for pajamas and the company of my friend Aaron, whose Assume Vivid Astro Focus wallet was the subject of so much acclaim in the early recaps of this season's episodes. His boyfriend, Gary, came over too. They have opinions about tonight's final four designers.
Aaron: “I want Jeffrey to lose and start using drugs again.”
Gary: “I hope Laura's water breaks on him.”
And by opinions about tonight's designers, I mean that they have opinions about Jeffrey. I, however, am not so unkind to my pal Jeffrey Christ, a man I've never met. I don't hate him, I don't believe he's guilty of any wrongdoing, and I think his clothes are consistently the most interesting of the bunch. Michael's nice, but nice isn't entertaining. Uli would make a good drinking buddy, but if she ever designed for me, I fear she'd make caftans. Flowy, Uli caftans. Laura's beading would scratch my delicate skin.
Speaking of Uli, you can tell she feels bad that there's conflict over Jeffrey's suspiciously finished collection. Like Michael, Uli is nice and simply vants to make clothes. Laura, however, is convinced that he's “the athlete on steroids” and something tells me that even if no cheating is uncovered, she'll still smell a rat. Or turtle poop. Something.
Jeffrey says that he's upset that Laura questioned his integrity. She claims that she has done nothing of the sort and that Jeffrey is putting words in her mouth. Maybe pregnancy messes with your brain or something (she's accusing for two, after all) but if you say, “Hey, I think that guy over there with the neck tattoo is cheating,” then you have, in fact, questioned that guy with the neck tattoo's integrity, whether you used those exact words or not.
Tim Gunn calls to tell Jeffrey that he's missing some receipts from the pleating business he used to work on the shorts we saw last week—this is all within the rules, by the way—and that Jeffrey needs to get them. Upon taking the call, Jeffrey lights up one of those wacky brown Mores, the preferred cigarette of female DMV employees with three-inch sculptured nails. Jeffrey worries that the lack of one receipt will be his ruin. Laura is shown in the foreground humming away happily.
One day before the show, and Jeffrey starts working on a replacement skirt in case the receipt for the shorts doesn't arrive. Tim Gunn arrives in the work room and asks the designers to “gather round, please.” Cut to Jeffrey in bent over–braced leg vomit position.
OK, so here's the part of the show they teased you with last week on the “coming up” commercial. And if you remember that far back, you'll see how skillfully they edited it and recontextualized dialogue to make it seem like something awful happened. In that preview clip, Tim Gunn's words are, “after a very thorough investigation, blah blah,” and then a very clipped “unfortunately.”
Well that “unfortunately” was taken from a different sentence and dropped in to throw you off, because Tim Gunn doesn't use that word here. Jeffrey is, in fact, off the hook. No wrongdoing could be found. This is when Jeffrey begins crying. Uli hugs him, and that meddling Laura can go back to minding her own beeswax. But the crying was dropped in after the “unfortunately” in the preview clip, making it look like Jeffrey was going the way of Keith Michael. It's all very sneaky, this editing. You can never trust it. But whatever. Hey Laura: ha-ha!
Then Tim Gunn explains that the pleating receipt didn't show up, so he has to lose them. Good thing he started on that skirt. Oh, and another thing, Jeffrey, you're over budget by $227.95. Here, have a beer. Maybe a little heroin? Would that steady your nerves? Tim Gunn actually has to stifle the urge to burst into tears here. That's weird. Anyway, Jeffrey has to lose the skirt and something else worth $227.95. Those weird blond identical wigs are out the door.
On the balcony with Jeffrey, Uli is hanging out, being nurturing. Sort of. Laura sticks her head out the window and Uli cheerfully announces to her, “You von; you made him cry.” This is why Uli has adapted so well to the dog-eat-dog competitive nature of the United States. She knows from her East German upbringing that it's not enough to win, you must also bring your vanquished opponent to tears or worse.
Tim Gunn comes back in at the last minute to congratulate them all on going to Bryant Park. And he starts almost crying again. Dude, there's no crying in—oh, wait, strike that, there's lots of crying in fashion. Then they all share a stiff, uncomfortable group hug at Tim Gunn's request. Group hugs are the best. They're the stupidest invention of the late 20th century and a good litmus test for friendship with a person. If they enjoy them in a nonsexual context, then it's absolutely a red flag to look out for.
It's the next day, and the four designers are walking to Bryant Park. They enter the Project Runway tent, and every chair has a gift bag on it. My good friend Dennis Hensley was there, and he said the gift bags were lame. “As I recall,” he wrote in an e-mail, “it was a copy of Elle, some L'Oréal cosmetics, a T-shirt, and some weird PR mirror you're supposed to affix to your cell phone.” He gives his version of that day on his own blog at www.outzonetv.com, so go check him out because he's rad.
Commercial break. Who is your favorite designer? That's the text-vote question of the week. Of course, Michael is going to win that one. And here comes a Heidi laugh…here it is…ha-ha!... and there it goes. They're coming to an end, these Heidi laughs, so I'm very glad to have an MP3 of it in my iTunes now. It's number 1 on my “most played” list because now, if I'm at my laptop and someone in the house says something stupid or evil, I just click on it for Heidi commentary.
We're back. Models are being L'Oréaled and TRESemméd. PR discards are filing in for the show. There's Alison. There's Malan. There's that chick who designed hoodies for everyone. There are some feathers; they must be Laura's. There's Angela. There's Jeffrey doing a kind of gay little dance in slow motion, making pouty lips and shimmying shoulders. And finally there's Heidi, Kors, Nina, and Laura's husband, Albert Einstein. Chloe, Season 2 winner, is sitting next to Nina. There's the guest judge, Fern Somebody, creator of Olympus Fashion Week. I like that name, Fern. And holy crap, there's Daniel V sitting next to that gross Elizabeth Hasslebeck from The View. Glad they're such good buddies. Hey, Daniel, ask Bethy if she thinks you're going to hell when you die. I bet her answer really cracks you up. There's Robert Gay Arms.
And here come clothes clothes clothes. I could spend the next three hours trying to describe every outfit from every collection that comes down the runway, but fuck it. That shit's online and you can just go look at it. Oh, shit, there's Vincent. And Harvey Weinstein about to crush poor Michael Kors' mother, Karl Lagerfeld. He's seriously spilling over into her chair. I like Jeffrey's collection a lot. Except for one Uli-powered dress, it's really inventive.
Uli's collection is pattern-y, flowy, and Uli-ish. With some bone belt buckles; those are nice. There's Kayne and I assume Kayne's boyfriend. There's Brandy, the biggest celebrity they could get to be on camera. Here comes Nazri in the best dress, of course, because she's the best model.
Laura's collection is Laura-ish in the way that Uli's was Uli-ish; sophisticated cocktail dresses. It's pretty pretty pretty. If I saw a woman wearing anything from this collection, I'd think she was rich and on her way to a gala fund-raising event with the Basses. But whatever. One of the long black gowns has feathers on the shoulders, like something Brigitte Neilsen would have worn in Rocky 4.
And here comes Michael's chance to drop the ball. And he does. It's the Pootie Tang collection. Wanda Sykes could put on a blue wig and stand on the street corner, dancing, wearing any of these outfits. Tiger stripes and shiny gold bikinis and hot pink and orange short shorts. The shit is insane. Put 'em on the glass.
Show over. Judges chat and bring out the designers for the final cut.
They slam Laura for not surprising them.
They slam Michael for making everything look like it should be on sale at the same store where you get those XXXL bedazzled Tupac T-shirts. My words, not theirs.
They ask Jeffrey about his story. He starts talking about his Japanese ghost-story thing, which no one gets. He does, though, and kind of sells it. They slam him for not staying in budget and for the two blue dresses that didn't connect with the rest of the ghost story.
They slam Uli for being disjointed, hating that she only does resort wear, and also praising her for it. It's like when you punch someone in the face and say, “But I love you, you know that, right?”
More judges chat. Who to choose? Who? Who? Well, before we get to Jeffrey's win, we have to cut the others. Michael goes first. (“We believe in your future as a designer, but you need time to mature.”) Then Laura. (“You created and exquisitely crafted collection, but it was too limited for us.”)
Down to Uli and Jeffrey. Uli hugs Jeffrey. They tell him that his “collection was innovative, cohesive, and it really showed your range.” They tell Uli that she “pushed herself. You made a beautiful collection that every woman would want to wear.”
“Congratulatons, Jeffrey,” says Heidi, “You are the winner of Project Runway.” The soundtrack strums a happy little acoustic guitar. And that's it. I have to say that I wish this announcement came with more fanfare. On American Idol there are thousands of screaming people, gospel choirs, people on stilts being shot out cannons fired by monkeys. They know how to put on show at Fox. Cheap-ass Bravo.
I pause the TiVo to call my husband, who's out of town. I need his reaction because he's a Jeffrey hater. “He's a former junkie,” says my man. “He had the best story. And a baby. If Uli hadn't waited until the Berlin wall came down to escape to Miami, like if her family had hot-air-ballooned themselves out of Germany, she'd have had a better shot.”
When Uli goes backstage to tell everyone that she came in second, she says something that sounds like “Get the kitten ready.” Is she going to eat it? Is that a German thing? Meanwhile Jeffrey hugs his family, his son, Tim Gunn, the new Saturn, and that $100,000 check to help start his own…oh, he already has his own line? And a big workspace with employees and everything? And Cher owns one of his pieces that she just put up on Ebay for who knows what reason? Well, good, now he can use that money to upgrade his company's dental plan. Or maybe just have his toddler inked before the kid starts pre-school. Baby's first tattoo.
The end Dresses with lots of crazy zippers on them keep Nina interested. That's the moral of this season's Project Runway finale By Dave WhiteAn Advocate.com exclusive posted October 20, 2006
Project Runway
I had the chance to go to a big homo gathering to watch the finale, but I opted for pajamas and the company of my friend Aaron, whose Assume Vivid Astro Focus wallet was the subject of so much acclaim in the early recaps of this season's episodes. His boyfriend, Gary, came over too. They have opinions about tonight's final four designers.
Aaron: “I want Jeffrey to lose and start using drugs again.”
Gary: “I hope Laura's water breaks on him.”
And by opinions about tonight's designers, I mean that they have opinions about Jeffrey. I, however, am not so unkind to my pal Jeffrey Christ, a man I've never met. I don't hate him, I don't believe he's guilty of any wrongdoing, and I think his clothes are consistently the most interesting of the bunch. Michael's nice, but nice isn't entertaining. Uli would make a good drinking buddy, but if she ever designed for me, I fear she'd make caftans. Flowy, Uli caftans. Laura's beading would scratch my delicate skin.
Speaking of Uli, you can tell she feels bad that there's conflict over Jeffrey's suspiciously finished collection. Like Michael, Uli is nice and simply vants to make clothes. Laura, however, is convinced that he's “the athlete on steroids” and something tells me that even if no cheating is uncovered, she'll still smell a rat. Or turtle poop. Something.
Jeffrey says that he's upset that Laura questioned his integrity. She claims that she has done nothing of the sort and that Jeffrey is putting words in her mouth. Maybe pregnancy messes with your brain or something (she's accusing for two, after all) but if you say, “Hey, I think that guy over there with the neck tattoo is cheating,” then you have, in fact, questioned that guy with the neck tattoo's integrity, whether you used those exact words or not.
Tim Gunn calls to tell Jeffrey that he's missing some receipts from the pleating business he used to work on the shorts we saw last week—this is all within the rules, by the way—and that Jeffrey needs to get them. Upon taking the call, Jeffrey lights up one of those wacky brown Mores, the preferred cigarette of female DMV employees with three-inch sculptured nails. Jeffrey worries that the lack of one receipt will be his ruin. Laura is shown in the foreground humming away happily.
One day before the show, and Jeffrey starts working on a replacement skirt in case the receipt for the shorts doesn't arrive. Tim Gunn arrives in the work room and asks the designers to “gather round, please.” Cut to Jeffrey in bent over–braced leg vomit position.
OK, so here's the part of the show they teased you with last week on the “coming up” commercial. And if you remember that far back, you'll see how skillfully they edited it and recontextualized dialogue to make it seem like something awful happened. In that preview clip, Tim Gunn's words are, “after a very thorough investigation, blah blah,” and then a very clipped “unfortunately.”
Well that “unfortunately” was taken from a different sentence and dropped in to throw you off, because Tim Gunn doesn't use that word here. Jeffrey is, in fact, off the hook. No wrongdoing could be found. This is when Jeffrey begins crying. Uli hugs him, and that meddling Laura can go back to minding her own beeswax. But the crying was dropped in after the “unfortunately” in the preview clip, making it look like Jeffrey was going the way of Keith Michael. It's all very sneaky, this editing. You can never trust it. But whatever. Hey Laura: ha-ha!
Then Tim Gunn explains that the pleating receipt didn't show up, so he has to lose them. Good thing he started on that skirt. Oh, and another thing, Jeffrey, you're over budget by $227.95. Here, have a beer. Maybe a little heroin? Would that steady your nerves? Tim Gunn actually has to stifle the urge to burst into tears here. That's weird. Anyway, Jeffrey has to lose the skirt and something else worth $227.95. Those weird blond identical wigs are out the door.
On the balcony with Jeffrey, Uli is hanging out, being nurturing. Sort of. Laura sticks her head out the window and Uli cheerfully announces to her, “You von; you made him cry.” This is why Uli has adapted so well to the dog-eat-dog competitive nature of the United States. She knows from her East German upbringing that it's not enough to win, you must also bring your vanquished opponent to tears or worse.
Tim Gunn comes back in at the last minute to congratulate them all on going to Bryant Park. And he starts almost crying again. Dude, there's no crying in—oh, wait, strike that, there's lots of crying in fashion. Then they all share a stiff, uncomfortable group hug at Tim Gunn's request. Group hugs are the best. They're the stupidest invention of the late 20th century and a good litmus test for friendship with a person. If they enjoy them in a nonsexual context, then it's absolutely a red flag to look out for.
It's the next day, and the four designers are walking to Bryant Park. They enter the Project Runway tent, and every chair has a gift bag on it. My good friend Dennis Hensley was there, and he said the gift bags were lame. “As I recall,” he wrote in an e-mail, “it was a copy of Elle, some L'Oréal cosmetics, a T-shirt, and some weird PR mirror you're supposed to affix to your cell phone.” He gives his version of that day on his own blog at www.outzonetv.com, so go check him out because he's rad.
Commercial break. Who is your favorite designer? That's the text-vote question of the week. Of course, Michael is going to win that one. And here comes a Heidi laugh…here it is…ha-ha!... and there it goes. They're coming to an end, these Heidi laughs, so I'm very glad to have an MP3 of it in my iTunes now. It's number 1 on my “most played” list because now, if I'm at my laptop and someone in the house says something stupid or evil, I just click on it for Heidi commentary.
We're back. Models are being L'Oréaled and TRESemméd. PR discards are filing in for the show. There's Alison. There's Malan. There's that chick who designed hoodies for everyone. There are some feathers; they must be Laura's. There's Angela. There's Jeffrey doing a kind of gay little dance in slow motion, making pouty lips and shimmying shoulders. And finally there's Heidi, Kors, Nina, and Laura's husband, Albert Einstein. Chloe, Season 2 winner, is sitting next to Nina. There's the guest judge, Fern Somebody, creator of Olympus Fashion Week. I like that name, Fern. And holy crap, there's Daniel V sitting next to that gross Elizabeth Hasslebeck from The View. Glad they're such good buddies. Hey, Daniel, ask Bethy if she thinks you're going to hell when you die. I bet her answer really cracks you up. There's Robert Gay Arms.
And here come clothes clothes clothes. I could spend the next three hours trying to describe every outfit from every collection that comes down the runway, but fuck it. That shit's online and you can just go look at it. Oh, shit, there's Vincent. And Harvey Weinstein about to crush poor Michael Kors' mother, Karl Lagerfeld. He's seriously spilling over into her chair. I like Jeffrey's collection a lot. Except for one Uli-powered dress, it's really inventive.
Uli's collection is pattern-y, flowy, and Uli-ish. With some bone belt buckles; those are nice. There's Kayne and I assume Kayne's boyfriend. There's Brandy, the biggest celebrity they could get to be on camera. Here comes Nazri in the best dress, of course, because she's the best model.
Laura's collection is Laura-ish in the way that Uli's was Uli-ish; sophisticated cocktail dresses. It's pretty pretty pretty. If I saw a woman wearing anything from this collection, I'd think she was rich and on her way to a gala fund-raising event with the Basses. But whatever. One of the long black gowns has feathers on the shoulders, like something Brigitte Neilsen would have worn in Rocky 4.
And here comes Michael's chance to drop the ball. And he does. It's the Pootie Tang collection. Wanda Sykes could put on a blue wig and stand on the street corner, dancing, wearing any of these outfits. Tiger stripes and shiny gold bikinis and hot pink and orange short shorts. The shit is insane. Put 'em on the glass.
Show over. Judges chat and bring out the designers for the final cut.
They slam Laura for not surprising them.
They slam Michael for making everything look like it should be on sale at the same store where you get those XXXL bedazzled Tupac T-shirts. My words, not theirs.
They ask Jeffrey about his story. He starts talking about his Japanese ghost-story thing, which no one gets. He does, though, and kind of sells it. They slam him for not staying in budget and for the two blue dresses that didn't connect with the rest of the ghost story.
They slam Uli for being disjointed, hating that she only does resort wear, and also praising her for it. It's like when you punch someone in the face and say, “But I love you, you know that, right?”
More judges chat. Who to choose? Who? Who? Well, before we get to Jeffrey's win, we have to cut the others. Michael goes first. (“We believe in your future as a designer, but you need time to mature.”) Then Laura. (“You created and exquisitely crafted collection, but it was too limited for us.”)
Down to Uli and Jeffrey. Uli hugs Jeffrey. They tell him that his “collection was innovative, cohesive, and it really showed your range.” They tell Uli that she “pushed herself. You made a beautiful collection that every woman would want to wear.”
“Congratulatons, Jeffrey,” says Heidi, “You are the winner of Project Runway.” The soundtrack strums a happy little acoustic guitar. And that's it. I have to say that I wish this announcement came with more fanfare. On American Idol there are thousands of screaming people, gospel choirs, people on stilts being shot out cannons fired by monkeys. They know how to put on show at Fox. Cheap-ass Bravo.
I pause the TiVo to call my husband, who's out of town. I need his reaction because he's a Jeffrey hater. “He's a former junkie,” says my man. “He had the best story. And a baby. If Uli hadn't waited until the Berlin wall came down to escape to Miami, like if her family had hot-air-ballooned themselves out of Germany, she'd have had a better shot.”
When Uli goes backstage to tell everyone that she came in second, she says something that sounds like “Get the kitten ready.” Is she going to eat it? Is that a German thing? Meanwhile Jeffrey hugs his family, his son, Tim Gunn, the new Saturn, and that $100,000 check to help start his own…oh, he already has his own line? And a big workspace with employees and everything? And Cher owns one of his pieces that she just put up on Ebay for who knows what reason? Well, good, now he can use that money to upgrade his company's dental plan. Or maybe just have his toddler inked before the kid starts pre-school. Baby's first tattoo.
"If your friend comes to you now with a big idea that involves your participation, listen very carefully, for there may actually be an opportunity for you. Be careful, though, for opportunities are often double-edged swords. They can distract you from the more certain path you are already following, and they possibly can amount to nothing. On the other hand, there can be great potential as long as you don't rush to judgment.
Saturday, October 21, 2006"
Saturday, October 21, 2006"
David Hughes
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1:28 am (0 minutes ago)
hi honey, what are you using to communicate on line, since your not on aol anymore, are you still using aim, im gonna upload something back onto my commuter, so i can talk with you again on line, miss you, mailed out your gift today, takes three days to get to you, no need to reciprocate, should help you sleep
love you much honey
"it is only with the heart one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye": the little prince
dave
ps: today i had kidney stones, could not eat due to stitches in my mouth since dr pratt pulled 11 teeth on thursday, almost went to the hospital just now for the stones, but they hate me there, was able to take several urocet k and dissolve the stones, am gonna have dr shah refer me to a urologist, i need perocet when i have to deal with this kind of pain, the emergency rooms here dont like me, they have blacklisted me for arguing with a doctor in thanksgiving of 2003, she saw stones in my kidneys per a cat scan, but would not x ray my back, turned out the pain was from the herniated disc in my lower back, she told me "we are not a free clinic",
went ballistic, now i have tons of proof, but each time i go to the hospital, as the two closest are the same, they make me wait over four hours to see a doctor, so i assume they have me blacklisted on a list somehow, last time i was in a wheelchair and just screaming, but they made me go home......
what else today, normal chronic knee, neck, and back pain, using ice a lot, thank got for ice, took the urocet k two hours to dissolve the stones, took two vicoden ( i asked dr jackson months ago for something stronger when i have stones, he tole me to take two vicoden, his nurse says he does not like to prescribe percocet, my nana used to get stones all the time, she got percocet to deal with the pain, i forget what that is called, threshold pain or something, when the pain is so bad a client needs something stronger for short periods of time till a stone passes........
hates to take me to the hospital, and i was just crying like a baby tonight, its still hurts, so im drinking tons of water and taking urocet k, and writing, that helps to tell you what is happening to me, no body else understands at all..... \n\n \nso my mouth is swollen, i look like a wookie, am taking penicillin and vicoden for that, cant eat cause of stitches in my lower gum, so im eating yogurt and cant sleep due to back pain, im gonna have to get to a urologist to treat this, i get a stone every month, in the last two weeks ive had a stone every day, i passed two last week, but most of the time its just horrible back and groin pain, and i eat urocet k and it takes two to three hours to dissolve them, if not im headed to the hospital, but that is more of a hassle then its worth,
i went ballistic, now i have tons of proof, but each time i go to the hospital, as the two closest are the same, they make me wait over four hours to see a doctor, so i assume they have me blacklisted on a list somehow, last time i was in a wheelchair and just screaming, but they made me go home......
what else today, normal chronic knee, neck, and back pain, using ice a lot, thank got for ice, took the urocet k two hours to dissolve the stones, took two vicoden ( i asked dr jackson months ago for something stronger when i have stones, he tole me to take two vicoden, his nurse says he does not like to prescribe percocet, my nana used to get stones all the time, she got percocet to deal with the pain, i forget what that is called, threshold pain or something, when the pain is so bad a client needs something stronger for short periods of time till a stone passes........
james hates to take me to the hospital, and i was just crying like a baby tonight, its still hurts, so im drinking tons of water and taking urocet k, and writing, that helps to tell you what is happening to me, no body else understands at all.....
so my mouth is swollen, i look like a wookie, am taking penicillin and vicoden for that, cant eat cause of stitches in my lower gum, so im eating yogurt and cant sleep due to back pain, im gonna have to get to a urologist to treat this, i get a stone every month, in the last two weeks ive had a stone every day, i passed two last week, but most of the time its just horrible back and groin pain, and i eat urocet k and it takes two to three hours to dissolve them, if not im headed to the hospital, but that is more of a hassle then its worth,
that thanksgiving they put me on a morphine drip, then didnt find any blood in my urine, so they said i was negative, and sent me home, the female emergency room doc was so mean to me, i wish i had her name, would sue the fuck out of her now i have mri s of my back and neck proving my lower back is fucked up big time, and inflamed,
its...hard to tell the difference between my vertebrae pain and a kidney stone pain, its all level ten or worse, i shake and cry and nothing stops the pain, so she assumed i had passed the stone, i told her that thanksgiving i didnt c ause i would have known, so i told her it was my back, and she discharged me, i was so mad, that was a friday night, and the following monday morning at 2am the back pain was back, and i had james take me back to the emergency room, they would not do a damn thing, called dr jackson up, and i saw him first thing that morning, but in the end it was my back, at least now with the back mri, i have proof something is causing the pain
i dont understand how
"THERE IS A FOCUS OF INCREASED T1 SIGNAL IDENTIFIED IN THE L4 VERTEBRAL BODY COMPATIBLE WITH A BENIGN VERTEBRAL BODY HEMANGIOMA AND DISC BULGE IDENTIFIED AT L4-5 AND LESS SO AT L5-S1 WITHOUT CANAL STENOSIS OR SIGNIFICANT NEURAL FORAMINAL NARROWING. NO DISC PROTRUSION OR EXTRUSION IS IDENTIFIED "
i dont understand why that causes so much pain, my lawyer says a bulge should not cause pain, the Internet says hemangioma causes severe pain, but when i dont have groin pain its usually the lumbar back pain that drives me crazy, and i am fighting it again now, it comes and goes, i might have to drive james car afterall to the emergency room, i dont want to go, the morphine drip give me the worst headache of my life, i just got out the ice pack again and am using it with a pillow on my lower back so i can sit up and type.......
that thanksgiving they put me on a morphine drip, then didnt find any blood in my urine, so they said i was negative, and sent me home, the female emergency room doc was so mean to me, i wish i had her name, would sue the fuck out of her now i have mri s of my back and neck proving my lower back is fucked up big time, and inflamed, its...
hard to tell the difference between my vertebrae pain and a kidney stone pain, its all level ten or worse, i shake and cry and nothing stops the pain, so she assumed i had passed the stone, i told her that thanksgiving i didnt c ause i would have known, so i told her it was my back, and she discharged me, i was so mad, that was a friday night, and the following monday morning at 2am the back pain was back, and i had james take me back to the emergency room, they would not do a damn thing, called dr jackson up, and i saw him first thing that morning, but in the end it was my back, at least now with the back mri, i have proof something is causing the pain
i dont understand how "THERE IS A FOCUS OF INCREASED T1 SIGNAL IDENTIFIED IN THE L4 VERTEBRAL BODY COMPATIBLE WITH A BENIGN VERTEBRAL BODY HEMANGIOMA AND DISC BULGE IDENTIFIED AT L4-5 AND LESS SO AT L5-S1 WITHOUT CANAL STENOSIS OR SIGNIFICANT NEURAL FORAMINAL NARROWING. NO DISC PROTRUSION OR EXTRUSION IS IDENTIFIED "
i dont understand why that causes so much pain, my lawyer says a bulge should not cause pain, the Internet says hemangioma causes severe pain, but when i dont have groin pain its usually the lumbar back pain that drives me crazy, and i am fighting it again now, it comes and goes, i might have to drive james car afterall to the emergency room, i dont want to go, the morphine drip give me the worst headache of my life, i just got out the ice pack again and am using it with a pillow on my lower back so i can sit up and type.......
\n \nso tonight, 12am, im a wookie with swollen face and not teeth, back pain that doesnt want to go away, and knee pain that is killing me, for gods sake i dont want to go to the emergency room, and on a saturday night, they would make me sit there for four hours, and then the doctor would give me attitude, especially if there is not blood in my urine, i have two stones, but im keeping them for dr shah and the urologist to prove im having stones..... \n\n \nat the same time it feels more and more like its my vertebrae, something new and really bad is happening to that area, i see dr shah end of november, but he said it was not bad enuff to do surgery, i have yet to find out if he can do surgery to fix the torn medial meniscus, dr jacksons nurse thought the injury was just too old and she didnt think anything could be done \n\n \ndr slomka had made a point of telling me the mri might not show ANYTHING, but it did show the torn meniscus, but it came up negative with the CHONDROMALACIA, he diagnosed me with both of them before the mri, MEDIAL MENISCAL TEAR IN RIGHT KNEE AND CHONDROMALACIA in both knees, but the doctor that did the mri found "negative" with my left knee" , with no "significant chondromalacia (what the fuck does no significant mean??), in the right knee, and no chondromalacia at all in the left knee... \n\n \ndr slomka was the first orthopedic surgeon since 2002 to lay me down and feel both knees, that was when he diagnosed me with the two things, and that was when he said the mri might not show anything, but dr jackson wanted the mri of the knees, so even thou dr slomka never prescribed an mri of both knees, dr jackson kept on me, so since pinellas county pays for it, i kept on dr slomka, and now i dont know if it works for me or against me when it comes to a disability judge ........\n",1]
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so tonight, 12am, im a wookie with swollen face and not teeth, back pain that doesnt want to go away, and knee pain that is killing me, for gods sake i dont want to go to the emergency room, and on a saturday night, they would make me sit there for four hours, and then the doctor would give me attitude, especially if there is not blood in my urine, i have two stones, but im keeping them for dr shah and the urologist to prove im having stones.....
at the same time it feels more and more like its my vertebrae, something new and really bad is happening to that area, i see dr shah end of november, but he said it was not bad enuff to do surgery, i have yet to find out if he can do surgery to fix the torn medial meniscus, dr jacksons nurse thought the injury was just too old and she didnt think anything could be done
dr slomka had made a point of telling me the mri might not show ANYTHING, but it did show the torn meniscus, but it came up negative with the CHONDROMALACIA, he diagnosed me with both of them before the mri, MEDIAL MENISCAL TEAR IN RIGHT KNEE AND CHONDROMALACIA in both knees, but the doctor that did the mri found "negative" with my left knee" , with no "significant chondromalacia (what the fuck does no significant mean??), in the right knee, and no chondromalacia at all in the left knee...
dr slomka was the first orthopedic surgeon since 2002 to lay me down and feel both knees, that was when he diagnosed me with the two things, and that was when he said the mri might not show anything, but dr jackson wanted the mri of the knees, so even thou dr slomka never prescribed an mri of both knees, dr jackson kept on me, so since pinellas county pays for it, i kept on dr slomka, and now i dont know if it works for me or against me when it comes to a disability judge ........
\n \nthe physical therapist, they too were ass holes, said i had an awful case of quadriceps atrophy, and that was before the back and knee mri, so they pushed me on a bike and other crap, using ultrasound on both knees, even when i screamed, they ended up writing i did not cooperate well with them and complained of being in "pain" all the time, they put pain in quotes, like i was lying..... \n\n \nseveral months later the mri s were done, and dr slomka took me seriously, finally, and for the first time, after seeing him for 3 times before that, treated me with respect and told me i had the torn knee thing and the chondro thing....... \n\n \nso all those years of riding my bike have destroyed both knees, i think, and all the accidents i had falling off the bike, on the beach, at stetson, even starting in fifth grade where i had my first accident and needed to cap my front tooth, which over the years led to me losing almost all my teeth, from crushing them due to flying thru the air off of m bike, especially at stetson and on the beach, where i would end up with root canals and more caps, which has led to me losing all my teeth...... \n\n \nand then the neck problem, i finally put two and two together, in 1980 while walking home from the beach, i made the stupid mistake of taking 2nd avenue home, past papa drug store, and was hit in the neck with a blackjack by a "negro" on a bike, and kicked in the face by two other "negros" which caused me to black out but somehow i ran into the street and stopped a police car which took me home inspite of the riot that was happening all around me, just because this white person was in the wrong place at the wrong time,\n",1]
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the physical therapist, they too were ass holes, said i had an awful case of quadriceps atrophy, and that was before the back and knee mri, so they pushed me on a bike and other crap, using ultrasound on both knees, even when i screamed, they ended up writing i did not cooperate well with them and complained of being in "pain" all the time, they put pain in quotes, like i was lying.....
several months later the mri s were done, and dr slomka took me seriously, finally, and for the first time, after seeing him for 3 times before that, treated me with respect and told me i had the torn knee thing and the chondro thing.......
so all those years of riding my bike have destroyed both knees, i think, and all the accidents i had falling off the bike, on the beach, at stetson, even starting in fifth grade where i had my first accident and needed to cap my front tooth, which over the years led to me losing almost all my teeth, from crushing them due to flying thru the air off of m bike, especially at stetson and on the beach, where i would end up with root canals and more caps, which has led to me losing all my teeth......
and then the neck problem, i finally put two and two together, in 1980 while walking home from the beach, i made the stupid mistake of taking 2nd avenue home, past papa drug store, and was hit in the neck with a blackjack by a "negro" on a bike, and kicked in the face by two other "negros" which caused me to black out but somehow i ran into the street and stopped a police car which took me home inspite of the riot that was happening all around me, just because this white person was in the wrong place at the wrong time,
\n \ni was so depressed that night, and i ended up coming home to nana with a bloody nose, swollen mouth, hurt neck, and to my stupidity, i would not let the cop take me to the hospital, i had no idea how i would pay for it, and i was afraid i had pot in my blood stream, and if they had taken blood that would have been enuff to arrest me, and that would have caused even bigger problems.... \n\n \ni recently met a lady at directions here in clearwater, who opened her door and was stabbed four times, and because she has crack in her system, they arrested her, took away her four children, and was under arrest and had to go to directions (a mental health faciity for persons with drug problems mainly judge ordered.... \n\n \ni had been sent there by dr shah for my panic attacks, but the lady that interviewed me told me i did not met their standards, and i was on my own, funny, when i first moved here directions was the first place i applied for a job, but lost it to a person with a phd....so im on my own with nightly panic attacks and weekely daily panic attacks, which xanax helps a little, but god, what else is going to go wrong with me)...i hate the fact ive developed an anxiety disorder, but it does run in my family, dana is on prozac, mom on i forget, and carol on clondine, and of all things, alan is on to xanax a day, he says its cause his legs shake at night, i know better, its cause he is nuts,..... \n\n \nits just so wonderful to inherit just gifts, papa died from a massive heart attack, had high blood pressure, dad (alan) has already had a heart attack, and talks proudly that they shocked him back to life, give me a break, nana had several strokes, ended up in the institution, and died years later, could not talk, alan\'s brother ended up in a nursing home dy ing of parkensons, dad mentions his brother used to scream all day when he would visit, was in diapers, hugo was his name, his son died from hiv compications, and his wife from cancer, mom has suvivered breast cancer, dana was born with a hole in her heart, my first film i ever saw in my life was at a United Way meeting where they actually showed the surgery of them fixing dana\'s heart, what a wonderful thing to start my childhood with,
i was so depressed that night, and i ended up coming home to nana with a bloody nose, swollen mouth, hurt neck, and to my stupidity, i would not let the cop take me to the hospital, i had no idea how i would pay for it, and i was afraid i had pot in my blood stream, and if they had taken blood that would have been enuff to arrest me, and that would have caused even bigger problems....
i recently met a lady at directions here in clearwater, who opened her door and was stabbed four times, and because she has crack in her system, they arrested her, took away her four children, and was under arrest and had to go to directions (a mental health faciity for persons with drug problems mainly judge ordered....
i had been sent there by dr shah for my panic attacks, but the lady that interviewed me told me i did not met their standards, and i was on my own, funny, when i first moved here directions was the first place i applied for a job, but lost it to a person with a phd....so im on my own with nightly panic attacks and weekely daily panic attacks, which xanax helps a little, but god, what else is going to go wrong with me)...i hate the fact ive developed an anxiety disorder, but it does run in my family, dana is on prozac, mom on i forget, and carol on clondine, and of all things, alan is on to xanax a day, he says its cause his legs shake at night, i know better, its cause he is nuts,.....
its just so wonderful to inherit just gifts, papa died from a massive heart attack, had high blood pressure, dad (alan) has already had a heart attack, and talks proudly that they shocked him back to life, give me a break, nana had several strokes, ended up in the institution, and died years later, could not talk, alan's brother ended up in a nursing home dy ing of parkensons, dad mentions his brother used to scream all day when he would visit, was in diapers, hugo was his name, his son died from hiv compications, and his wife from cancer, mom has suvivered breast cancer, dana was born with a hole in her heart, my first film i ever saw in my life was at a United Way meeting where they actually showed the surgery of them fixing dana's heart, what a wonderful thing to start my childhood with,
\n \nso ive inherited kidney stones from nana, heart problems from all the men and women in my family, im on 150mg of Toprol XL daily for a rapid heart beat (i have no idea what causes that), and my cholesterol level is so high they can not even measure the "good" cholesterol and ive been on Lipitor 400mg for a year now, and still no good, i get tested again in two weeks, and if its not lower, im gonna raise hell with dr shah, she has been a sorry excuse of a doctor, so im gonna get on her case or change doctors
i have 14 months more care paid by pinellas county, but i need a good doctor to help me with my disability case, dr jackson and dr slomka will be great, but dr shah doesnt even know who i am, she has already sent me thru three doctors in her office, and just as i was getting to know the one i liked, dr pam, she too got pregnant,
so now im seeing dr shahs nurse practioner, who is playing games with me, and would not tell me which knee had the torn meniscus in, for i told her both knees hurt, so she acted like she would try to fool me, and not tell me which knee had the torn thing, so i had to wait until dr jackson gave me a copy of the mri, dr shah\'s nurse practioner even let me think the mri showed that i had the chondo thing, when in the mri it did not show up, so this bitch is no good, so when i see her next month im either gonna get better care or swith to another doctor, its just pinellas county has the worst doctors ever,
dr shah wont even prescribe pain medication to me, and ive asked, she wanted to send me to a pain management doctor in a 30 minute cab ride, so thats over 15 miles from my apartment, and he is indian like she is, so ive stayed with dr jackson, and thank god i have, for he helps me get my food stamps renewed every three months and keeps filling out the paperwork every 6 months to help me get help with rent and doctor bills and 7 medications from dr shah that i dont have to pay for , to keep me living longer, so i can suffer longer, but its all getting so fucing old, i know you understand, big time.....
so ive inherited kidney stones from nana, heart problems from all the men and women in my family, im on 150mg of Toprol XL daily for a rapid heart beat (i have no idea what causes that), and my cholesterol level is so high they can not even measure the "good" cholesterol and ive been on Lipitor 400mg for a year now, and still no good, i get tested again in two weeks, and if its not lower, im gonna raise hell with dr shah, she has been a sorry excuse of a doctor, so im gonna get on her case or change doctors, i have 14 months more care paid by pinellas county, but i need a good doctor to help me with my disability case, dr jackson and dr slomka will be great, but dr shah doesnt even know who i am, she has already sent me thru three doctors in her office, and just as i was getting to know the one i liked, dr pam, she too got pregnant,
so now im seeing dr shahs nurse practioner, who is playing games with me, and would not tell me which knee had the torn meniscus in, for i told her both knees hurt, so she acted like she would try to fool me, and not tell me which knee had the torn thing, so i had to wait until dr jackson gave me a copy of the mri, dr shah's nurse practioner even let me think the mri showed that i had the chondo thing, when in the mri it did not show up, so this bitch is no good, so when i see her next month im either gonna get better care or swith to another doctor, its just pinellas county has the worst doctors ever,
dr shah wont even prescribe pain medication to me, and ive asked, she wanted to send me to a pain management doctor in a 30 minute cab ride, so thats over 15 miles from my apartment, and he is indian like she is, so ive stayed with dr jackson, and thank god i have, for he helps me get my food stamps renewed every three months and keeps filling out the paperwork every 6 months to help me get help with rent and doctor bills and 7 medications from dr shah that i dont have to pay for , to keep me living longer, so i can suffer longer, but its all getting so fucing old, i know you understand, big time.....
which i think is the cause of the herniated disc in:\n \n(as dr jackson puts it in his file) C3-4, C4-5 HERNIATED BULGING DISK....i asked dr shah when she went over the mri from my lumbar and cervical areas, what the fuck causes bulged discs, and she said ACCIDENTS....... \n\n \nso between the kids and all the restraining on my knees, the bike accidents and the wear and tear from the fifth grade on both knees, the neck pain, the back pain from either stones or fucked up vertebrae, every day and night continues to be a nightmare, but i write all this be cause you are the only person that understands, and here i am....
with an ice pack on my back while i type away and listen to a shark eating people on a movie about the deep blue sea, a smart shark eating of all people, mister rapper whats his name, while james is in bed snoring away, and im still waiting for this back pain to go away, oh well.... \n\n \nwell this was a long letter, thanks so much for listening, i know your busy, so you dont need to write, just let me know what instant messenger you are using and i will look for you on line, \n\n \nwe birds of a feather must continue to fight, im not gonna to the suicide thing, even though i finally admitted to dr shah i had had suicidal ideation, they have to get me on the right anti depressant someday, i have 14 more months with her, so she needs to get her shit together and help me out....
which i think is the cause of the herniated disc in:
(as dr jackson puts it in his file) C3-4, C4-5 HERNIATED BULGING DISK....i asked dr shah when she went over the mri from my lumbar and cervical areas, what the fuck causes bulged discs, and she said ACCIDENTS.......
so between the kids and all the restraining on my knees, the bike accidents and the wear and tear from the fifth grade on both knees, the neck pain, the back pain from either stones or fucked up vertebrae, every day and night continues to be a nightmare, but i write all this be cause you are the only person that understands, and here i am....
with an ice pack on my back while i type away and listen to a shark eating people on a movie about the deep blue sea, a smart shark eating of all people, mister rapper whats his name, while james is in bed snoring away, and im still waiting for this back pain to go away, oh well....
well this was a long letter, thanks so much for listening, i know your busy, so you dont need to write, just let me know what instant messenger you are using and i will look for you on line,
we birds of a feather must continue to fight, im not gonna to the suicide thing, even though i finally admitted to dr shah i had had suicidal ideation, they have to get me on the right anti depressant someday, i have 14 more months with her, so she needs to get her shit together and help me out.....
\n \nwell thanks for listening to my madness, i wish the gods would send me some heroin and i would just shot it right into my spine or some kind of madness like that, of course i would never really do that, one of these days i will get better pain management ,
buts its all a joke anyhow, management, what a word for dying each day, as much as i want to stay positive, my body wants the opposite...maybe gwb is listening to my e mails, since he is doing that to all of us these days, since american has gone to hell, so just remember this wonderful country we live in these days, where gwb can listen to our phone calls, read our e mails, in vade our homes without a warrent, all in the name of terrorism, which is so much bull shit
hope to god the democrats take over the senate and the house in november, so this asshole of a presidenet can be impeached and face congresional hearings for his torturing and his lying to us all over this illegal war, its a damn shame what he has done to this country, i just voted with my absentee ballet, im even ready to vote for whats her name, hillary, in 2008, i really think a women could make a huge difference in this country,
and put tom delay and all those fucked up republicans in jail where they belong, all of them dropping their soaps so they can get the "fucking" they deserve for "fucing" all of us
, your always in my prayers, i wish i could do more for you, but im gonna go down fighting, stroke, heart attack, whatever takes me down, i will fight fight fight all the way to my maker, and thanks for reading all my ranting, no body else cares and i cant bother james with all of this, he has enuff to deal with daily, i try my best to hide my pain as much as possible, he caught me crying tonight, but finally the urocet k slowed down the kidney stone pain, ive got to get my ass to a urologist asap
well thanks for listening to my madness, i wish the gods would send me some heroin and i would just shot it right into my spine or some kind of madness like that, of course i would never really do that, one of these days i will get better pain management , buts its all a joke anyhow, management, what a word for dying each day,
as much as i want to stay positive, my body wants the opposite...maybe gwb is listening to my e mails, since he is doing that to all of us these days, since american has gone to hell, so just remember this wonderful country we live in these days, where gwb can listen to our phone calls, read our e mails, in vade our homes without a warrent, all in the name of terrorism, which is so much bull shit
i hope to god the democrats take over the senate and the house in november, so this asshole of a presidenet can be impeached and face congresional hearings for his torturing and his lying to us all over this illegal war, its a damn shame what he has done to this country, i just voted with my absentee ballet, im even ready to vote for whats her name, hillary, in 2008, i really think a women could make a huge difference in this country, and put tom delay and all those fucked up republicans in jail where they belong, all of them dropping their soaps so they can get the "fucking" they deserve for "fucing" all of us
ps, your always in my prayers, i wish i could do more for you, but im gonna go down fighting, stroke, heart attack, whatever takes me down, i will fight fight fight all the way to my maker, and thanks for reading all my ranting, no body else cares and i cant bother james with all of this, he has enuff to deal with daily, i try my best to hide my pain as much as possible,
he caught me crying tonight, but finally the urocet k slowed down the kidney stone pain, ive got to get my ass to a urologist asap.
\n \ndave\n \nps: stay in touch, let me know what im you are using, and thanks for reading all of this, i hope your kids and grandchild are doing well, i hope your pain is managable, and good luck with all the cold weather and snow ...........give helen my love
dave
ps: stay in touch, let me know what im you are using, and thanks for reading all of this, i hope your kids and grandchild are doing well, i hope your pain is managable, and good luck with all the cold weather and snow ...........give helen my love
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1:28 am (0 minutes ago)
hi honey, what are you using to communicate on line, since your not on aol anymore, are you still using aim, im gonna upload something back onto my commuter, so i can talk with you again on line, miss you, mailed out your gift today, takes three days to get to you, no need to reciprocate, should help you sleep
love you much honey
"it is only with the heart one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye": the little prince
dave
ps: today i had kidney stones, could not eat due to stitches in my mouth since dr pratt pulled 11 teeth on thursday, almost went to the hospital just now for the stones, but they hate me there, was able to take several urocet k and dissolve the stones, am gonna have dr shah refer me to a urologist, i need perocet when i have to deal with this kind of pain, the emergency rooms here dont like me, they have blacklisted me for arguing with a doctor in thanksgiving of 2003, she saw stones in my kidneys per a cat scan, but would not x ray my back, turned out the pain was from the herniated disc in my lower back, she told me "we are not a free clinic",
went ballistic, now i have tons of proof, but each time i go to the hospital, as the two closest are the same, they make me wait over four hours to see a doctor, so i assume they have me blacklisted on a list somehow, last time i was in a wheelchair and just screaming, but they made me go home......
what else today, normal chronic knee, neck, and back pain, using ice a lot, thank got for ice, took the urocet k two hours to dissolve the stones, took two vicoden ( i asked dr jackson months ago for something stronger when i have stones, he tole me to take two vicoden, his nurse says he does not like to prescribe percocet, my nana used to get stones all the time, she got percocet to deal with the pain, i forget what that is called, threshold pain or something, when the pain is so bad a client needs something stronger for short periods of time till a stone passes........
hates to take me to the hospital, and i was just crying like a baby tonight, its still hurts, so im drinking tons of water and taking urocet k, and writing, that helps to tell you what is happening to me, no body else understands at all..... \n\n \nso my mouth is swollen, i look like a wookie, am taking penicillin and vicoden for that, cant eat cause of stitches in my lower gum, so im eating yogurt and cant sleep due to back pain, im gonna have to get to a urologist to treat this, i get a stone every month, in the last two weeks ive had a stone every day, i passed two last week, but most of the time its just horrible back and groin pain, and i eat urocet k and it takes two to three hours to dissolve them, if not im headed to the hospital, but that is more of a hassle then its worth,
i went ballistic, now i have tons of proof, but each time i go to the hospital, as the two closest are the same, they make me wait over four hours to see a doctor, so i assume they have me blacklisted on a list somehow, last time i was in a wheelchair and just screaming, but they made me go home......
what else today, normal chronic knee, neck, and back pain, using ice a lot, thank got for ice, took the urocet k two hours to dissolve the stones, took two vicoden ( i asked dr jackson months ago for something stronger when i have stones, he tole me to take two vicoden, his nurse says he does not like to prescribe percocet, my nana used to get stones all the time, she got percocet to deal with the pain, i forget what that is called, threshold pain or something, when the pain is so bad a client needs something stronger for short periods of time till a stone passes........
james hates to take me to the hospital, and i was just crying like a baby tonight, its still hurts, so im drinking tons of water and taking urocet k, and writing, that helps to tell you what is happening to me, no body else understands at all.....
so my mouth is swollen, i look like a wookie, am taking penicillin and vicoden for that, cant eat cause of stitches in my lower gum, so im eating yogurt and cant sleep due to back pain, im gonna have to get to a urologist to treat this, i get a stone every month, in the last two weeks ive had a stone every day, i passed two last week, but most of the time its just horrible back and groin pain, and i eat urocet k and it takes two to three hours to dissolve them, if not im headed to the hospital, but that is more of a hassle then its worth,
that thanksgiving they put me on a morphine drip, then didnt find any blood in my urine, so they said i was negative, and sent me home, the female emergency room doc was so mean to me, i wish i had her name, would sue the fuck out of her now i have mri s of my back and neck proving my lower back is fucked up big time, and inflamed,
its...hard to tell the difference between my vertebrae pain and a kidney stone pain, its all level ten or worse, i shake and cry and nothing stops the pain, so she assumed i had passed the stone, i told her that thanksgiving i didnt c ause i would have known, so i told her it was my back, and she discharged me, i was so mad, that was a friday night, and the following monday morning at 2am the back pain was back, and i had james take me back to the emergency room, they would not do a damn thing, called dr jackson up, and i saw him first thing that morning, but in the end it was my back, at least now with the back mri, i have proof something is causing the pain
i dont understand how
"THERE IS A FOCUS OF INCREASED T1 SIGNAL IDENTIFIED IN THE L4 VERTEBRAL BODY COMPATIBLE WITH A BENIGN VERTEBRAL BODY HEMANGIOMA AND DISC BULGE IDENTIFIED AT L4-5 AND LESS SO AT L5-S1 WITHOUT CANAL STENOSIS OR SIGNIFICANT NEURAL FORAMINAL NARROWING. NO DISC PROTRUSION OR EXTRUSION IS IDENTIFIED "
i dont understand why that causes so much pain, my lawyer says a bulge should not cause pain, the Internet says hemangioma causes severe pain, but when i dont have groin pain its usually the lumbar back pain that drives me crazy, and i am fighting it again now, it comes and goes, i might have to drive james car afterall to the emergency room, i dont want to go, the morphine drip give me the worst headache of my life, i just got out the ice pack again and am using it with a pillow on my lower back so i can sit up and type.......
that thanksgiving they put me on a morphine drip, then didnt find any blood in my urine, so they said i was negative, and sent me home, the female emergency room doc was so mean to me, i wish i had her name, would sue the fuck out of her now i have mri s of my back and neck proving my lower back is fucked up big time, and inflamed, its...
hard to tell the difference between my vertebrae pain and a kidney stone pain, its all level ten or worse, i shake and cry and nothing stops the pain, so she assumed i had passed the stone, i told her that thanksgiving i didnt c ause i would have known, so i told her it was my back, and she discharged me, i was so mad, that was a friday night, and the following monday morning at 2am the back pain was back, and i had james take me back to the emergency room, they would not do a damn thing, called dr jackson up, and i saw him first thing that morning, but in the end it was my back, at least now with the back mri, i have proof something is causing the pain
i dont understand how "THERE IS A FOCUS OF INCREASED T1 SIGNAL IDENTIFIED IN THE L4 VERTEBRAL BODY COMPATIBLE WITH A BENIGN VERTEBRAL BODY HEMANGIOMA AND DISC BULGE IDENTIFIED AT L4-5 AND LESS SO AT L5-S1 WITHOUT CANAL STENOSIS OR SIGNIFICANT NEURAL FORAMINAL NARROWING. NO DISC PROTRUSION OR EXTRUSION IS IDENTIFIED "
i dont understand why that causes so much pain, my lawyer says a bulge should not cause pain, the Internet says hemangioma causes severe pain, but when i dont have groin pain its usually the lumbar back pain that drives me crazy, and i am fighting it again now, it comes and goes, i might have to drive james car afterall to the emergency room, i dont want to go, the morphine drip give me the worst headache of my life, i just got out the ice pack again and am using it with a pillow on my lower back so i can sit up and type.......
\n \nso tonight, 12am, im a wookie with swollen face and not teeth, back pain that doesnt want to go away, and knee pain that is killing me, for gods sake i dont want to go to the emergency room, and on a saturday night, they would make me sit there for four hours, and then the doctor would give me attitude, especially if there is not blood in my urine, i have two stones, but im keeping them for dr shah and the urologist to prove im having stones..... \n\n \nat the same time it feels more and more like its my vertebrae, something new and really bad is happening to that area, i see dr shah end of november, but he said it was not bad enuff to do surgery, i have yet to find out if he can do surgery to fix the torn medial meniscus, dr jacksons nurse thought the injury was just too old and she didnt think anything could be done \n\n \ndr slomka had made a point of telling me the mri might not show ANYTHING, but it did show the torn meniscus, but it came up negative with the CHONDROMALACIA, he diagnosed me with both of them before the mri, MEDIAL MENISCAL TEAR IN RIGHT KNEE AND CHONDROMALACIA in both knees, but the doctor that did the mri found "negative" with my left knee" , with no "significant chondromalacia (what the fuck does no significant mean??), in the right knee, and no chondromalacia at all in the left knee... \n\n \ndr slomka was the first orthopedic surgeon since 2002 to lay me down and feel both knees, that was when he diagnosed me with the two things, and that was when he said the mri might not show anything, but dr jackson wanted the mri of the knees, so even thou dr slomka never prescribed an mri of both knees, dr jackson kept on me, so since pinellas county pays for it, i kept on dr slomka, and now i dont know if it works for me or against me when it comes to a disability judge ........\n",1]
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so tonight, 12am, im a wookie with swollen face and not teeth, back pain that doesnt want to go away, and knee pain that is killing me, for gods sake i dont want to go to the emergency room, and on a saturday night, they would make me sit there for four hours, and then the doctor would give me attitude, especially if there is not blood in my urine, i have two stones, but im keeping them for dr shah and the urologist to prove im having stones.....
at the same time it feels more and more like its my vertebrae, something new and really bad is happening to that area, i see dr shah end of november, but he said it was not bad enuff to do surgery, i have yet to find out if he can do surgery to fix the torn medial meniscus, dr jacksons nurse thought the injury was just too old and she didnt think anything could be done
dr slomka had made a point of telling me the mri might not show ANYTHING, but it did show the torn meniscus, but it came up negative with the CHONDROMALACIA, he diagnosed me with both of them before the mri, MEDIAL MENISCAL TEAR IN RIGHT KNEE AND CHONDROMALACIA in both knees, but the doctor that did the mri found "negative" with my left knee" , with no "significant chondromalacia (what the fuck does no significant mean??), in the right knee, and no chondromalacia at all in the left knee...
dr slomka was the first orthopedic surgeon since 2002 to lay me down and feel both knees, that was when he diagnosed me with the two things, and that was when he said the mri might not show anything, but dr jackson wanted the mri of the knees, so even thou dr slomka never prescribed an mri of both knees, dr jackson kept on me, so since pinellas county pays for it, i kept on dr slomka, and now i dont know if it works for me or against me when it comes to a disability judge ........
\n \nthe physical therapist, they too were ass holes, said i had an awful case of quadriceps atrophy, and that was before the back and knee mri, so they pushed me on a bike and other crap, using ultrasound on both knees, even when i screamed, they ended up writing i did not cooperate well with them and complained of being in "pain" all the time, they put pain in quotes, like i was lying..... \n\n \nseveral months later the mri s were done, and dr slomka took me seriously, finally, and for the first time, after seeing him for 3 times before that, treated me with respect and told me i had the torn knee thing and the chondro thing....... \n\n \nso all those years of riding my bike have destroyed both knees, i think, and all the accidents i had falling off the bike, on the beach, at stetson, even starting in fifth grade where i had my first accident and needed to cap my front tooth, which over the years led to me losing almost all my teeth, from crushing them due to flying thru the air off of m bike, especially at stetson and on the beach, where i would end up with root canals and more caps, which has led to me losing all my teeth...... \n\n \nand then the neck problem, i finally put two and two together, in 1980 while walking home from the beach, i made the stupid mistake of taking 2nd avenue home, past papa drug store, and was hit in the neck with a blackjack by a "negro" on a bike, and kicked in the face by two other "negros" which caused me to black out but somehow i ran into the street and stopped a police car which took me home inspite of the riot that was happening all around me, just because this white person was in the wrong place at the wrong time,\n",1]
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the physical therapist, they too were ass holes, said i had an awful case of quadriceps atrophy, and that was before the back and knee mri, so they pushed me on a bike and other crap, using ultrasound on both knees, even when i screamed, they ended up writing i did not cooperate well with them and complained of being in "pain" all the time, they put pain in quotes, like i was lying.....
several months later the mri s were done, and dr slomka took me seriously, finally, and for the first time, after seeing him for 3 times before that, treated me with respect and told me i had the torn knee thing and the chondro thing.......
so all those years of riding my bike have destroyed both knees, i think, and all the accidents i had falling off the bike, on the beach, at stetson, even starting in fifth grade where i had my first accident and needed to cap my front tooth, which over the years led to me losing almost all my teeth, from crushing them due to flying thru the air off of m bike, especially at stetson and on the beach, where i would end up with root canals and more caps, which has led to me losing all my teeth......
and then the neck problem, i finally put two and two together, in 1980 while walking home from the beach, i made the stupid mistake of taking 2nd avenue home, past papa drug store, and was hit in the neck with a blackjack by a "negro" on a bike, and kicked in the face by two other "negros" which caused me to black out but somehow i ran into the street and stopped a police car which took me home inspite of the riot that was happening all around me, just because this white person was in the wrong place at the wrong time,
\n \ni was so depressed that night, and i ended up coming home to nana with a bloody nose, swollen mouth, hurt neck, and to my stupidity, i would not let the cop take me to the hospital, i had no idea how i would pay for it, and i was afraid i had pot in my blood stream, and if they had taken blood that would have been enuff to arrest me, and that would have caused even bigger problems.... \n\n \ni recently met a lady at directions here in clearwater, who opened her door and was stabbed four times, and because she has crack in her system, they arrested her, took away her four children, and was under arrest and had to go to directions (a mental health faciity for persons with drug problems mainly judge ordered.... \n\n \ni had been sent there by dr shah for my panic attacks, but the lady that interviewed me told me i did not met their standards, and i was on my own, funny, when i first moved here directions was the first place i applied for a job, but lost it to a person with a phd....so im on my own with nightly panic attacks and weekely daily panic attacks, which xanax helps a little, but god, what else is going to go wrong with me)...i hate the fact ive developed an anxiety disorder, but it does run in my family, dana is on prozac, mom on i forget, and carol on clondine, and of all things, alan is on to xanax a day, he says its cause his legs shake at night, i know better, its cause he is nuts,..... \n\n \nits just so wonderful to inherit just gifts, papa died from a massive heart attack, had high blood pressure, dad (alan) has already had a heart attack, and talks proudly that they shocked him back to life, give me a break, nana had several strokes, ended up in the institution, and died years later, could not talk, alan\'s brother ended up in a nursing home dy ing of parkensons, dad mentions his brother used to scream all day when he would visit, was in diapers, hugo was his name, his son died from hiv compications, and his wife from cancer, mom has suvivered breast cancer, dana was born with a hole in her heart, my first film i ever saw in my life was at a United Way meeting where they actually showed the surgery of them fixing dana\'s heart, what a wonderful thing to start my childhood with,
i was so depressed that night, and i ended up coming home to nana with a bloody nose, swollen mouth, hurt neck, and to my stupidity, i would not let the cop take me to the hospital, i had no idea how i would pay for it, and i was afraid i had pot in my blood stream, and if they had taken blood that would have been enuff to arrest me, and that would have caused even bigger problems....
i recently met a lady at directions here in clearwater, who opened her door and was stabbed four times, and because she has crack in her system, they arrested her, took away her four children, and was under arrest and had to go to directions (a mental health faciity for persons with drug problems mainly judge ordered....
i had been sent there by dr shah for my panic attacks, but the lady that interviewed me told me i did not met their standards, and i was on my own, funny, when i first moved here directions was the first place i applied for a job, but lost it to a person with a phd....so im on my own with nightly panic attacks and weekely daily panic attacks, which xanax helps a little, but god, what else is going to go wrong with me)...i hate the fact ive developed an anxiety disorder, but it does run in my family, dana is on prozac, mom on i forget, and carol on clondine, and of all things, alan is on to xanax a day, he says its cause his legs shake at night, i know better, its cause he is nuts,.....
its just so wonderful to inherit just gifts, papa died from a massive heart attack, had high blood pressure, dad (alan) has already had a heart attack, and talks proudly that they shocked him back to life, give me a break, nana had several strokes, ended up in the institution, and died years later, could not talk, alan's brother ended up in a nursing home dy ing of parkensons, dad mentions his brother used to scream all day when he would visit, was in diapers, hugo was his name, his son died from hiv compications, and his wife from cancer, mom has suvivered breast cancer, dana was born with a hole in her heart, my first film i ever saw in my life was at a United Way meeting where they actually showed the surgery of them fixing dana's heart, what a wonderful thing to start my childhood with,
\n \nso ive inherited kidney stones from nana, heart problems from all the men and women in my family, im on 150mg of Toprol XL daily for a rapid heart beat (i have no idea what causes that), and my cholesterol level is so high they can not even measure the "good" cholesterol and ive been on Lipitor 400mg for a year now, and still no good, i get tested again in two weeks, and if its not lower, im gonna raise hell with dr shah, she has been a sorry excuse of a doctor, so im gonna get on her case or change doctors
i have 14 months more care paid by pinellas county, but i need a good doctor to help me with my disability case, dr jackson and dr slomka will be great, but dr shah doesnt even know who i am, she has already sent me thru three doctors in her office, and just as i was getting to know the one i liked, dr pam, she too got pregnant,
so now im seeing dr shahs nurse practioner, who is playing games with me, and would not tell me which knee had the torn meniscus in, for i told her both knees hurt, so she acted like she would try to fool me, and not tell me which knee had the torn thing, so i had to wait until dr jackson gave me a copy of the mri, dr shah\'s nurse practioner even let me think the mri showed that i had the chondo thing, when in the mri it did not show up, so this bitch is no good, so when i see her next month im either gonna get better care or swith to another doctor, its just pinellas county has the worst doctors ever,
dr shah wont even prescribe pain medication to me, and ive asked, she wanted to send me to a pain management doctor in a 30 minute cab ride, so thats over 15 miles from my apartment, and he is indian like she is, so ive stayed with dr jackson, and thank god i have, for he helps me get my food stamps renewed every three months and keeps filling out the paperwork every 6 months to help me get help with rent and doctor bills and 7 medications from dr shah that i dont have to pay for , to keep me living longer, so i can suffer longer, but its all getting so fucing old, i know you understand, big time.....
so ive inherited kidney stones from nana, heart problems from all the men and women in my family, im on 150mg of Toprol XL daily for a rapid heart beat (i have no idea what causes that), and my cholesterol level is so high they can not even measure the "good" cholesterol and ive been on Lipitor 400mg for a year now, and still no good, i get tested again in two weeks, and if its not lower, im gonna raise hell with dr shah, she has been a sorry excuse of a doctor, so im gonna get on her case or change doctors, i have 14 months more care paid by pinellas county, but i need a good doctor to help me with my disability case, dr jackson and dr slomka will be great, but dr shah doesnt even know who i am, she has already sent me thru three doctors in her office, and just as i was getting to know the one i liked, dr pam, she too got pregnant,
so now im seeing dr shahs nurse practioner, who is playing games with me, and would not tell me which knee had the torn meniscus in, for i told her both knees hurt, so she acted like she would try to fool me, and not tell me which knee had the torn thing, so i had to wait until dr jackson gave me a copy of the mri, dr shah's nurse practioner even let me think the mri showed that i had the chondo thing, when in the mri it did not show up, so this bitch is no good, so when i see her next month im either gonna get better care or swith to another doctor, its just pinellas county has the worst doctors ever,
dr shah wont even prescribe pain medication to me, and ive asked, she wanted to send me to a pain management doctor in a 30 minute cab ride, so thats over 15 miles from my apartment, and he is indian like she is, so ive stayed with dr jackson, and thank god i have, for he helps me get my food stamps renewed every three months and keeps filling out the paperwork every 6 months to help me get help with rent and doctor bills and 7 medications from dr shah that i dont have to pay for , to keep me living longer, so i can suffer longer, but its all getting so fucing old, i know you understand, big time.....
which i think is the cause of the herniated disc in:\n \n(as dr jackson puts it in his file) C3-4, C4-5 HERNIATED BULGING DISK....i asked dr shah when she went over the mri from my lumbar and cervical areas, what the fuck causes bulged discs, and she said ACCIDENTS....... \n\n \nso between the kids and all the restraining on my knees, the bike accidents and the wear and tear from the fifth grade on both knees, the neck pain, the back pain from either stones or fucked up vertebrae, every day and night continues to be a nightmare, but i write all this be cause you are the only person that understands, and here i am....
with an ice pack on my back while i type away and listen to a shark eating people on a movie about the deep blue sea, a smart shark eating of all people, mister rapper whats his name, while james is in bed snoring away, and im still waiting for this back pain to go away, oh well.... \n\n \nwell this was a long letter, thanks so much for listening, i know your busy, so you dont need to write, just let me know what instant messenger you are using and i will look for you on line, \n\n \nwe birds of a feather must continue to fight, im not gonna to the suicide thing, even though i finally admitted to dr shah i had had suicidal ideation, they have to get me on the right anti depressant someday, i have 14 more months with her, so she needs to get her shit together and help me out....
which i think is the cause of the herniated disc in:
(as dr jackson puts it in his file) C3-4, C4-5 HERNIATED BULGING DISK....i asked dr shah when she went over the mri from my lumbar and cervical areas, what the fuck causes bulged discs, and she said ACCIDENTS.......
so between the kids and all the restraining on my knees, the bike accidents and the wear and tear from the fifth grade on both knees, the neck pain, the back pain from either stones or fucked up vertebrae, every day and night continues to be a nightmare, but i write all this be cause you are the only person that understands, and here i am....
with an ice pack on my back while i type away and listen to a shark eating people on a movie about the deep blue sea, a smart shark eating of all people, mister rapper whats his name, while james is in bed snoring away, and im still waiting for this back pain to go away, oh well....
well this was a long letter, thanks so much for listening, i know your busy, so you dont need to write, just let me know what instant messenger you are using and i will look for you on line,
we birds of a feather must continue to fight, im not gonna to the suicide thing, even though i finally admitted to dr shah i had had suicidal ideation, they have to get me on the right anti depressant someday, i have 14 more months with her, so she needs to get her shit together and help me out.....
\n \nwell thanks for listening to my madness, i wish the gods would send me some heroin and i would just shot it right into my spine or some kind of madness like that, of course i would never really do that, one of these days i will get better pain management ,
buts its all a joke anyhow, management, what a word for dying each day, as much as i want to stay positive, my body wants the opposite...maybe gwb is listening to my e mails, since he is doing that to all of us these days, since american has gone to hell, so just remember this wonderful country we live in these days, where gwb can listen to our phone calls, read our e mails, in vade our homes without a warrent, all in the name of terrorism, which is so much bull shit
hope to god the democrats take over the senate and the house in november, so this asshole of a presidenet can be impeached and face congresional hearings for his torturing and his lying to us all over this illegal war, its a damn shame what he has done to this country, i just voted with my absentee ballet, im even ready to vote for whats her name, hillary, in 2008, i really think a women could make a huge difference in this country,
and put tom delay and all those fucked up republicans in jail where they belong, all of them dropping their soaps so they can get the "fucking" they deserve for "fucing" all of us
, your always in my prayers, i wish i could do more for you, but im gonna go down fighting, stroke, heart attack, whatever takes me down, i will fight fight fight all the way to my maker, and thanks for reading all my ranting, no body else cares and i cant bother james with all of this, he has enuff to deal with daily, i try my best to hide my pain as much as possible, he caught me crying tonight, but finally the urocet k slowed down the kidney stone pain, ive got to get my ass to a urologist asap
well thanks for listening to my madness, i wish the gods would send me some heroin and i would just shot it right into my spine or some kind of madness like that, of course i would never really do that, one of these days i will get better pain management , buts its all a joke anyhow, management, what a word for dying each day,
as much as i want to stay positive, my body wants the opposite...maybe gwb is listening to my e mails, since he is doing that to all of us these days, since american has gone to hell, so just remember this wonderful country we live in these days, where gwb can listen to our phone calls, read our e mails, in vade our homes without a warrent, all in the name of terrorism, which is so much bull shit
i hope to god the democrats take over the senate and the house in november, so this asshole of a presidenet can be impeached and face congresional hearings for his torturing and his lying to us all over this illegal war, its a damn shame what he has done to this country, i just voted with my absentee ballet, im even ready to vote for whats her name, hillary, in 2008, i really think a women could make a huge difference in this country, and put tom delay and all those fucked up republicans in jail where they belong, all of them dropping their soaps so they can get the "fucking" they deserve for "fucing" all of us
ps, your always in my prayers, i wish i could do more for you, but im gonna go down fighting, stroke, heart attack, whatever takes me down, i will fight fight fight all the way to my maker, and thanks for reading all my ranting, no body else cares and i cant bother james with all of this, he has enuff to deal with daily, i try my best to hide my pain as much as possible,
he caught me crying tonight, but finally the urocet k slowed down the kidney stone pain, ive got to get my ass to a urologist asap.
\n \ndave\n \nps: stay in touch, let me know what im you are using, and thanks for reading all of this, i hope your kids and grandchild are doing well, i hope your pain is managable, and good luck with all the cold weather and snow ...........give helen my love
dave
ps: stay in touch, let me know what im you are using, and thanks for reading all of this, i hope your kids and grandchild are doing well, i hope your pain is managable, and good luck with all the cold weather and snow ...........give helen my love